Celebrity Mastication

Penknife Currypastie first achieved notoriety in a celebrity-obsessed age by openly eating a cheese salad baguette at a gala premiere night for a Hollywood blockbuster – Return Of The Nasty Thing You Thought Had Been Killed Last Time Around VII – staring Gravelly Chinstubble and Pumpkin Dropincentre – at the world-famous Luton MegaSuperDuperReallyQuiteBig Cinema Complex.

Of course, people have been caught on film with foodstuff in their hand before – and people have in the past made a career out of unabashed Celebrity-Ignoring. However, there was something about the insouciance with which Currypastie masticated his sandwich which made the world-famous director of the film about to be premiered, Blackheath Hairyspider, stop in his tracks as he strode through the strobing camera flashes along the red carpet.

There was shock and awe, amongst the heaving multitudes who had gathered to watch a few quite-famous people walk from their limousines across a bit of carpet and into a building, as Hairyspider stopped, turned and walked towards Currypastie.

Currypastie himself was blithely unaware of all this. He had no real interest in the vacuous celebrity cult and had long since given up spending excessively-large amounts of money to have the antics of the rest of the audience ruin what was usually - at best – already a rather mediocre experience in cinemas. He was only standing in the crowd because it was the way he usually walked home from the library, and had halted in mid-chew out of shock at having his way barred.

Obviously, having no interest in the world of film, Currypastie had no idea that the excessively-bearded dwarf in front of him was a world-famous megastar film director.

‘I couldn’t help noticing the way you were eating your baguette,’ Hairyspider said, nodding towards the object clutched in Currypastie’s hand. ‘Have you ever thought about being in films?’

Currypastie, chewed reflectively for a moment and then looked straight into Hairyspider’s unblinking black eyes. ‘Have you ever thought about just fucking the fuck off?’ Without a backward glance, Currypastie turned on his heel and strode off to find a better way home.

Hairyspider stood for a moment in shock… then slowly a smile began to spread across his face. He had an idea now for his next film, all about a man… no, a sexy young woman who – at first turns down the chance to be in films, but, eventually – in a life-affirming and positive role-model for 21^st century womanhood way -realises that it is her destiny to become a filthy-rich supermega-film star. Hairyspider turned and waved at the gathered paparazzi as they - in relief that the natural order of their world had been restored – began snapping away furiously again as Hairyspider, arm-in-arm with his current wife, strode down the red carpet and off into the cinema.