International Celebrity Underwater Cheese Grating

Even if Plinky Droopystoat had not become the world’s leading celebrity underwater cheese grater, such is her screen presence that many critics believe that she would have had a magnificent career in the media. Possibly as a local TV station weather girl, a dead body in a long–running TV detective series or as one of those women that stands around grinning like a politician on horse tranquilisers in the background of cheap local TV adverts, or draped – bikini-clad -over the inevitable grand prize on a down-market commercial channel game show.

However, recently the BBC’s commercial rivals have snapped up most other sports (and tennis) in watertight exclusive contracts. Consequently, the BBC has had to look elsewhere to find some stuff to fill up its empty TV sports slots, and to give its vast array of sports pundits something to talk to each other about during the interminable periods when there was no sport available for them to spoil the viewer’s enjoyment of. Hence, this is why the BBC became the champion of such minority sports as All-Nude Chicken Intriguing, Standing Around In A Field, Competitive Sandwich Eating and other such wonders of British sporting achievement in the modern age.

Now - of course – we have Competitive International Celebrity Underwater Cheese Grating, regarded by many sports experts as a cultural achievement easily on a par with the legendary wonder of 20^th century television – It’s A Knockout.

Of course, getting a celebrity to do something – however inane pointless or degrading - in the presence of the TV cameras is never difficult. However, such is the intellectual rigour, tactical awareness and deep strategic thinking necessary for competitive underwater cheese-grating that – quite simply – well over 98% of those that pass for celebrities these days are not really capable of doing it, especially to International standard. Consequently, those celebrities, like Plinky Droopystoat, who can master the tactical finesse of grating cheese at International level, whilst wearing scuba gear and keeping up their usual level of inane celebrity banter, are richly rewarded, as well as celebrated throughout the world, for their abilities and for making such riveting must-watch TV. In consequence, this has brought the BBC a much-needed boost of as many as almost three extra viewers per show, which the corporation can use to demonstrate that the TV license is still great(ish) value for money, even in this multi-channel age.