Ah, but, it doesn’t always happen like that, sometimes you find that you do not have quite enough Cornish Pasties as you would otherwise desire, especially on Tuesdays, as we all know Tuesdays are a bit like that.
However, not that you should be worried or anything, but the undercover five-a-day co-ordinators are already creeping through the bushes at the bottom of your garden in preparation for raiding your kitchen and placing you under arrest. They are prepared to use any means at their disposal to prove conclusively that your vegetable portion sizes do not meet even minimum EU regulations and that you must therefore be forcibly arrested and taken to a EU-sponsored Healthy Eating Re-Education facility, which is housed in a former 1950s holiday camp site just outside Cleethorpes.
There you will undergo forcible re-education in the basic principles of healthy eating and made to undergo hard-labour in the camp’s exercise gyms until you reach the optimum weight for your body-size.
Once the camp’s staff are convinced that you have learnt your lesson, and that you look with horror not only on the Cornish pasties, but all savoury and fruit pies, then you will be released back into the community, on parole. Any breach of your parole observed on public CCTV or the surveillance system set up in your house, such as lingering slightly too long outside Greggs, or touching a packet of biscuits in your cupboard will result in your immediate return to the camp for further re-education.
As the government minister for Justice, Law, Order and Healthy Eating himself said: ‘It is harsh, but fair.’
No comments:
Post a Comment