Cheese Diversity in the UK

Pingback Owlstretcher was just an ordinary local authority Cheese Diversity Co-Ordinator, but she felt her role was vital in breaking down the barriers that still existed between native and imported foreign cheeses in her local community.
Of course, there are many in the UK who welcome foreign cheeses, feeling that they add diversity, colour, a touch of the exotic and something beyond what can be found with what they see as rather staid and ordinary British cheeses.

There are some, however nowhere near as many as people like Owlstretcher are ideologically conditioned to believe, who look with trepidation on the arrival of foreign cheese on British shores, feeling that their traditional Red Leicester, Wensleydale, or even the might Cheddar itself, could be overwhelmed and lost forever if the tide of Brie and leerdammer is not halted, and halted soon.

In reality though, for most people cheese is… well, just cheese no matter what its country of origin or no matter how foreign looking its packaging. In fact, most people enjoy the variety on display in there supermarket cheese shelves and delicatessens and would not wish foreign cheese, or British cheeses to disappear and would like to see them having more or less the same amount of shelf-space.

However, such is the need of people like Owlstretcher to boost their own fragile egos by finding other people not living up to their ideal, that Owlstretcher and her ilk will often discover prejudice against these foreign cheeses where there is none, often saying more about their need to find that prejudice than whether or not it actually exists. Therefore, Owlstretcher often took it upon herself to venture out with a packet of crackers and her special multicultural cheese knife in order to discover – as she saw it – any unconscious prejudice against foreign cheese in her locality. This, of course, had the unwanted side-effect of forcing all local pubs in her area to stop offering Ploughman’s Lunches, burger joints to stop offering cheeseburgers and a local restaurant to withdraw its cauliflower cheese from its menu in case any of them fell foul of Owlstretcher’s vendetta.

Consequently, people soon began to think twice before mentioning cheese to each other, in case Owlstretcher or any of her fervent acolytes were within earshot. This meant that soon people began to think about cheese less often, which resulted in less cheese been eaten, and – therefore – less foreign cheeses being imported until, eventually, because there were no more diverse cheeses there was no more need for a Cheese Diversity Officer.

Seeing this Owlstretcher’s immediate superiors could only conclude that their strategy of employing a Cheese Diversity Officer was – indeed - a massive success. Therefore, they immediately put out press adverts to employ a whole team of new Cheese Diversity Officers and promoted Owlstretcher to head of the newly created department, which – of course – necessitated a modest 25% extra to be added to local taxation, but – as the council unanimously agreed, it would be well worth it.