Britain’s Most Famous Film Actress

Distaff Penumbra is now – without a doubt – Britain’s most famous actress, easily eclipsing all others, and, it seems, now at the pinnacle of her career. However, when she first appeared on cinema screens in the mid-70s in the (very) seminal Swedish Plumbers On The Job, where she played a young housewife seemingly distraught at her malfunctioning washing machine, there was very little indication that she would go on to bigger things, and better films too.

One of those bigger things was - of course - Truncheon Polevaulter, the very well-blessed male actor, with whom she made a whole series of films, namely: Hot Raunchy Dirty Filth Volumes I-VII, in which Penumbra’s acting ability and range were both tested to the limit, playing such roles as: a sexually dissatisfied career woman, a sexually-dissatisfied housewife (in a magisterial reprise of her first ever cinematic role), a sexually-dissatisfied lady of the manor, a sexually-dissatisfied canteen manageress, a sexually-dissatisfied nurse, a sexually-dissatisfied diversity outreach co-ordinator and so on.

It seemed inevitable, in a way, which, after such intimate contact with each other in their professional lives, that Penumbra and Polevaulter should become romantically involved in their private lives, so, for several years - as they worked on that series of films which made them both household names - they also become lovers.

However, when Penumbra took on her greatest, most famous role, that of the sexually-insatiable nymphomaniac, Hotstuff Shagger, in her legendary Leather Nympho-Sluts From Mars, which featured cameo performances by 32 of the leading actors of the time, including the legendary final scene where they attempt to cure Hotstuff Shagger’s sex-related difficulties all together at the same time, Penumbra finally broke with Polevaulter, caustically remarking that he ‘was not man enough for me any more.’

However, her break with Polevaulter led to a serious decline in the fortunes of Penumbra which found her trying to eke out a living through bit parts in that most sordid of genres, the party political broadcast, where she played a typical housewife – an irony commented on many times as columnists pondered whether we would ever see Penumbra swinging naked and upside-down on a chandelier whilst servicing both a plumber and an electrician ever again.

Luckily, though, Penumbra was saved from the ultimate disgrace of appearing in an advert for a discount frozen food supermarket, by the film critic, Slackjaw Yokel, who mounted a retrospective of her greatest films at the National Film Theatre, followed by a re-release of her entire oeuvre on re-mastered DVD. This, in turn, of course, led to Distaff Penumbra being offered her choice of roles in several big budget films in the currently popular MILF genre, a genre she has now made her own, especially in the touching and heartfelt ways she soothes the dozen or so troubled young men in the football team featured in her award-winning Distaff Penumbra V Big Dong United, recently released to packed cinemas, and already a blockbuster on DVD pre-orders. So, all-in-all it seems that from her Distaff Penumbra’s career can only go on to even greater things.