‘Equalities’ Chair Criticised

The Chair of the Equalities and Furniture Rights Commission has been criticised by the influential Parliamentary Furnishings Committee for not doing enough for other items of household and workplace furniture.

As one of the members of the parliamentary commission said:

Mr Futon calls himself the ‘chair’ of the Furniture Equalities Commission, but what does that say about the rights of tables, sofas, desks, filing cabinets for equal representation alongside chairs? The commission, under Mr Futon, is – quite obviously - institutionally tableist itself, and therefore in no position to criticise others about discrimination against standard lamps and bathroom cabinets.

However, the Commission chairman received strong support from ‘Dirty Harry’ Harman the Labour government’s Equalities Minister, who is seen as strongly supportive of equal rights for all items of furniture, especially dressing tables, which she sees as historically discriminated against throughout the history of furnishings for being an essentially feminine piece of furniture, losing out in furniture status to what she calls ‘the macho wardrobe culture’ of the UK’s bedrooms. She recently reappointed Mr Futon as Chair of the Equalities and Furniture Rights Commission for a second three-year term, saying that she was strongly supportive of the work he has done in the workplace in increasing the number of desk lamps in British offices and in helping frame legislation against the over-stuffing of exploited filing cabinets, pointing out that:

This Labour government has, in general, very supportive of equal rights for all items of furniture, in both the home and the workplace. The people of Britain must remember, at the forthcoming election that it was this Labour government, under Tony Blair, not the Evil Tories, who first introduced the idea of sofa government, and we all know what a great success that turned out to be.

Asked to comment, Lord ‘Dick’ Dastardly of Foy said:

Listen sonny, if you finish off your piece with some archly-knowing smart-arsed comment about getting more pouffes into government, I’ll send Muttle… er… Miliband round to bite your ankles, now be off before I get Gordon to unleash the forces of hell on you.