CPS Criticises Jury’s ‘Wrong Verdict’

Yesterday a jury cleared a man who killed one armed burglar, left another grievously wounded and slashed another with kitchen knives as he defended himself and his property.

However, a spokesman for the CPS said:

Obviously in this case the jury got it very wrong indeed. They should realise that when we bring a case against someone, the very fact of there being a case means that the accused must be guilty. It is the job of the jury to merely go through the motions of considering the case, before giving the verdict we at the CPS want.

A government Justice Department spokeswoman agreed:

Juries should realise that they are there purely as a cosmetic exercise, a hangover from the Dark Ages before the enlightened days of this – The People’s Beloved Labour Government. We are the people and the people are us, so it is only right that we decide who is guilty and – on the odd occasion - that someone might just be innocent.

We have worked hard in this government to stop people thinking for themselves and making their own minds up about what is right and wrong. If juries take it upon themselves to attempt to decide such things, then we will have no choice but to look at getting rid of them.

A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police added:

Obviously, we have to respect the jury’s decision, but if I were a member of that jury I’d make sure my MOT and so on are all up to date, and that there’s nothing dodgy saved on my computer, because you never know what might happen, know what I’m saying?

Anyway, the far more serious matter in this case is that a ordinary member of the public has stood up for himself and defended his property on his own initiative. This cannot be – under any circumstances – be encouraged. It is vital that any member of the public confronted by criminals leaves them to get on with it, even if it means the loss of their own, or someone else’s, life.

It is solely the job of the police – and no-one else – to fill in the necessary forms that decide whether - indeed – a crime has been committed or not. Mere members of the public do not have the professional expertise to decide if some alleged incident is a crime or not, despite the amount of missing property, or the number of bloodstains. The police are the only ones who can fill in the correct forms that decide that something is not a crime at all, or, if it is a crime that the right form has been filled in to show that it has been solved.

However, one former member of the jury commented that:

The thing is that these villainous scrotes have simply got to learn to leave other people - and their stuff - alone, and if one or two of them happen to get themselves killed in learning this, well… at least you won’t have to try to teach it to them again.

Well, giving them tea and biscuits and telling them that society is to blame has worked well, so far, hasn’t it?