EXCLUSIVE - Gordon Brown - An Apology

Early this morning, the Prime Minister Gordon Brown issued the following statement.

Over the last few weeks and months, it seems there have been a number of events, which, in retrospect seem to have all shared a similar cause. Therefore, it seems that some sort of apology is called for so that we – as a country - can begin to move forward again.

So, therefore I am calling on ALL the people of this great country of ours to apologise to me, personally, for them not realising what a truly great Prime Minister I am. There have been a number of lies, smear and misinformation about what a nice bloke I really am and how I am doing my best to get this stupid, shortsighted, lazy and half-arsed country back on its feet.

So, I have decided that I want a full written apology from every person in this country, saying how wrong they were about me, how they now recognise my brilliant genius and how I have been right all along. Then they should all promise not to ever doubt me again.

Mr Brown then went on to add that the Labour party should apologise to him too. Adding:

Not only that, each individual member of the Labour party should apologise to me – in writing - for saving them all from that evil dictator - Tony Blair, and returning the Labour party back to its democratic and comradely roots, instead of the malevolent spinning, lying and dirty tricks of the Blair cadre era. Not only that, despite promising to sort it out, I have enabled them to continue grabbing wheelbarrows full of expenses for doing basically fuck all, and doing it badly.

They should also be grateful for me for picking several of them - no matter what their level of incompetence - to cock up all the great offices of government. Without me, not a single one of them would have been ever promoted way beyond their level of competence, when in any other walk of life their only claim to fame would’ve been when they were allowed to run their local church jumble sale for a few minutes while the competent ones went for a tea break.

Gordon Brown said that David Cameron should apologise to him too, for not being an evil Tory caricature, as it said in the script. He continued:

Actually, I feel that the entire Tory party should apologise to me too, for not being a bunch of elitist, out of touch toffs in top hats and tails who callously hunt down the decent hard-working people of this country with foxes.

The Liberal Democrats ought to apologise too for confusing people by saying I’ve been doing everything wrong, when deep down they too must realise that it is me – and only me – who is right all the time.

Finally, it seems only fair that the entire world should apologise to me too, for not realising that I am the one chosen by the gods to lead the world out of this great economic crisis, which - as everyone knows - was caused by America, and had nothing to do with me at all, in the slightest.

When an aide pointed out that some Americans, who knew where abroad was, might be listening, the Prime Minister clarified:

Oh, if there are any Americans listening to this obviously it wasn’t their fault at all. Oh, no, no. I have since discovered, using my secret super powers that the economic crisis did not start in America at all. It was… a…. an… an alien invasion… by… by… the Evil Property Speculators of Zarg, who came down to Earth - landing in America, as it happens - where they bought up many thousands of Buy To Let properties with the fiendish intention of defaulting on the mortgage payments. But I, the Mighty Flash Gordon had seen through their evil plan and I…. I leapt into action and I…. I…?

At this point, the Prime Minister’s press secretary led him away from the podium, telling the PM that it was now time for his medication.

Gordon Brown then said, to his assembled aides, ‘Listen I’ve got another new plan to save the world using only CCTV and enormous databases!’

An aide replied that if he was good and swallowed all his pills, including the nice shiny blue ones, then, and - only then - he could play with his clever new plan. Beaming his famous broad smile then Prime Minister waved good-bye to the assembled media representatives and allowed himself to be led from the room.