UK Upgrades Terrorist Alert Status

The UK government yesterday upgraded its Terrorist Alert status from Unnecessarily Panicking The Populace With Vague Warnings In Order To Increase Government Powers to OH… SHITTT!!!, as it announce it had ‘acquired certain intelligence’ that the terrorist organisation Al-Ikea was about to launch another of its deadly Spring Sales upon the UK.

’Not only do they case great panic and extreme behaviour amongst the populace when one of its cells open their ‘shop’ for the so-called sale,’ a spokesmech for the intelligence services said yesterday, ‘they also manage to spread a certain number of their IFD devices throughout the country, purchased by unsuspecting patrons at the organisation’s ‘shops’.’

These IFDs, or Improvised Furniture Devices can cause many causalities do to the fiendish way Al-Ikea have designed them to suddenly explosively collapse just as the unsuspecting customer is about to insert the last screw into them. The terrorist group have also made several fiendish adaptations to these devices.

‘Back in the old days, it was a lot more straightforward,’ a former army unexploded furniture expert said. ‘Back in the days of the MFI, these items of furniture were often crude and simplistic. Their doors would fall off, the back panel would be out of true and so on. But these Al-Ikea johnnies have take it to a whole new level with their totally incomprehensible instructions, their stupid names for the items so you do not dare ring up and complain, the way they will replace one item in the box with two pieces from the opposite side.’ He expanded upon the terrorist group’s fiendish new tactics. ‘They often include two pieces of an item that are the same, instead of two roughly similar pieces. These pieces are almost identical, so you do not notice you have say, two upper left hand panels instead of a right upper left hand panel and a matching left hand panel. So, you are left with a half completed wardrobe – potentially lethally unstable – while you have to trudge all the way back to the terrorist cell to get a replacement correct part…. Fiendishly deadly.’

The government has issued a statement warning the population to be very cautious, especially when furniture store Spring Sales are announced in the media. ‘As we have seen in the past,’ an expert on furniture terrorism warned. ‘these so-called sales are nothing of the sort. They are just a ruse to make unsuspecting member of the public spend large sums on what can often be very shoddy goods indeed, falling apart destructively not long after they are delivered to the home. I would advise anyone considering visiting a furniture store over the forthcoming Bank Holiday period to think again, and – maybe – go for a walk in the country instead.’ He added, ‘It could just save your life.’