Another Protestor Complains

Yesterday, yet another protester at the recent Whinging Attention Seekers Demo Against Something Nebulous protest march, made an official complaint against the police.

‘I did all I could to severely get on their tits’ said nice middle-class Beansprout Veggieburger, about the Metropolitan Police, at a press conference hastily arranged by her publicist before any bruising could fade completely. ‘I threw plastic bottles of piss at them, shouted obscenities, thumped and kicked out at them and then dared them to hit me back ‘cos I’m a woman in glasses.’ Veggieburger continued, before breaking down in tears. ‘But it was all a waste of time, because despite everything I did not one of them hit me, not even a slight slap across the cheek. I feel so humiliated and discriminated against.’

Leaving off counting his share of the newspaper story fee for a moment, her PR said, ‘Obviously poor Beansprout is very distraught, but still very photogenic. She has been a member of several groups protesting against more or less everything for several years now. She even goes to their tediously dull meetings regularly. She has every right to have been cruelly beaten by the fascist pigs, just like all the others I happen to represent. It is quite simply a matter of sheer discrimination. I demand some sort of internal investigation is undertaken immediately. I do suspect after all the adverse publicity I generate the compensation should be quite considerable. After all, the Chief Constable is a very good friend of mine, and I do all his wife’s company PR too. Here, buy my card.’

Veggieburger added. ‘However, I did very slightly bruise quite a photogenic – but tasteful - part of my body, coming out of the pub later that same evening. Therefore, I feel it is the failure of the police to hospitalize me that led directly to my being in that pub at that time, and me having to drink quite so much. Therefore, I will expect full compensation from the police for my unbearable trauma.’

He PR then said. ‘Those cameramen who have paid in advance can now take photos of the bruised area – once my makeup artist has touched it up a bit, of course. The rest of you, if you would just make your cheques out to my company. Credit cards are accepted. Thank you.’

A Spokesman for the Metropolitan Police’s elite Give ‘Em A Good Thumpin’ squad later acknowledged the police must take at least some of the blame. ’Obviously, we would like to give everyone at a demo a damn good walloping. However, there are just far too many demonstrators at these demos these days for the personal touch. Obviously, if we had more policemen, or the finance to buy longer truncheons, or even some rubber bullets, CS gas and water cannon, then we could satisfy far more of our customers, both those that come for the ruck and those who enjoy seeing the hippie dole-scroungers getting the pasting they deserve. In this particular case, however, we do feel we have let the public we serve down. Consequently, I have issued Veggieburger’s photo to all my officers. So if they do come across her in the next few weeks and months she can be guaranteed a damn good kicking… on the house, as it were. Thank you. Mind how you go.’