MP’s Expenses – Solution Found

Yesterday, the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, announced he – and he alone – had found a solution to the problem of MP’s expenses, which has been causing a great deal of bad press for politicians in recent weeks. The current system, where MPs pay themselves as much as they think they can get away with, and then add on an almost infinite quantity of ‘expenses’, has been bought into disrepute by people outside the system finding out about it.

‘Of course, we had hoped to continue with the current system well into the foreseeable future, but now ordinary members of the public have found out about it, it is – sadly – no longer possible. So, now is the time to pretend to take decisive action,’ the PM stated. ‘Although, personally, I’m completely innocent, and everything, and as it is obviously clear now that it is a system of expense claming that began in America, I feel it is my duty as saviour of the world to fix this problem too. Although. Lord knows why, no-one ever bothers to thank me, or even say how brilliant I am.’

The PM then outlined a scheme to pay MPs a daily allowance to stay away from House of Parliament. ‘In order’ he said, ‘to prevent them buggering up every plan I have to save the world even more than they already have done. It’s all their fault, anyway, not mine.’

Immediately some MPs dismissed the PM’s idea. ‘What we ought to do,’ a member of the influential Greedy Money-Grabbing Bastards committee said, ‘is to turn the whole of London into a real-life game of Monopoly where each MP buys up all the houses and hotels in a particular street, and then we could charge everyone who lands on that street rent. Then anyone who doesn’t pay us would be sent directly to jail without passing Go.’

The leader of the Conservatives, David Cameron, issued a response on YouTube and his Facebook page, saying that, ‘Paying MPs not to attend parliament sends out completely the wrong message, especially when we in the Conservative Party are on the verge of having our turn in government. If people realise how well the country could run without Members of Parliament constantly buggering things up, then we’ll never get our go, and that wouldn’t be fair. Frankly, if he is not careful he will remind people that Belgium proved it was quite possible for a country to get by without a government. We don’t want that to happen here.’

‘It is typical of this Prime Minister,’ Cameron continued, ‘to want to take his ball home when he doesn’t like the way the game is going. This sort of short-sighted knee-jerk – and any other dismissive cliché I could use – reaction just shows how desperate he is to cling to power.‘

In order to pad this article out with some quotes, we asked some stereotypical party MPs to give us some clichéd responses.

A Conservative MP dismissed the idea, saying ‘Money? Isn’t that all rather vulgar? I’m sure my valet deals with all that kind of thing, anyway. Now run along you horrid little oik, or I’ll have the hounds set on you.’

A Liberal Democrat added, ‘I’m sure we could all, like y’know make some sort of community area on Parliament Square and weave our own yurts and things to live in, it would be like groovy and far out, y’know?’

A Labour member of the government said: ‘I only claim the maximum expenses in order to furnish my seven homes, because seven homes ought to be the birthright of every worker in this country. And as a representative of the exploited, down-trodden workers of this great country, it only seems right that I equip all my essential homes with the vital gold taps, gold toilet cistern handles and ermine-covered dog beds that should be in the home of every British worker. Only with me working tirelessly nearly two or three whole days a week in Parliament on the worker’s behalf, will they - one day - all have such essential items in all their seven homes to help them do their jobs too… possibly.’