Terrorist Weapons Cache Discovered

Since the Business Secretary Lord ‘Mandy’ Mandelson was viciously attacked with a small quantity of custard, police have been on high alert for any other food-based threat to members of the government.

Earlier today it emerged that police are treating as 'quite interesting' the so-far unconfirmed reports that a large quantity of high-octane Three Fruit Marmalade has been discovered buried in a field just outside Rudgley.

Chief Inspector Marmoset Snotgobbler of the Rudgley and Cannock Constabulary Anti-Fruit Conserves, Jams and Related Preserves squad, when interviewed, stated clearly, "A suspiciously large quantity amount of a certain item has been discovered in the vicinity of the place that is now officially an area of investigation. I am not at liberty at the present moment in time as of now to fully discuss the nature, apparent or otherwise, of the material substance in question. I hope that clarifies the situation for you as of now at this time, at the end of the day." He added. "We must ask the people that are members of the general public to support us in these difficult times and report any suspicious concerns they have about suspicious people acting in a suspicious manner, especially where suspicious jam or marmalade is concerned, at the end of the day, going forward."

After the attack two months ago when activists connected to The People's Preserve Army managed to evade the tight security long enough to infiltrate the House of Commons and smear the leader of the Liberal Democrats with lemon curd, police are right to be so concerned.

The internet has been rife with rumours that an attack - quite possibly using marmalade - is immanent. Of course, the anti-jam detectors and other jam-proofing measures the police have introduced to protect Britain's great and important buildings are not quite so effective when faced with an onslaught of marmalade, especially those (such as three-fruit) that are many-times stronger than conventional marmalade. Therefore, the authorities have been extremely concerned that any of the great buildings of this country such as the Houses of Parliament, Buckingham Palace, Heathrow Airport, Raunchy Sue's House of Pleasure or – even, if the worst comes to the worst - the Our Plaice Fish and Chip shop, Nuneaton, could be venerable to a high-profile marmalade smearing.

If it is confirmed - as seems likely - that this discovery is indeed three-fruit marmalade then the police will have scored a major victory in the ongoing War Against Preserves.