New Government Guidelines Announced

This morning a government spokesperson, Hetty Busybody, announced that ‘Following our splendid successes in education, the NHS, the police service and in the provision of local and national government initiatives, the government has now decided that there is another area of people’s lives that we have left unregulated for far too long.’

Busybody went on to say ‘Although we have made some inroads into regulating the way people behave, we feel we have not gone far enough into what in the old-fashioned evil Tory days, people use to cal their ‘private lives’. As we have said before, people have no business having private lives, free from the benevolent intervention of the government. We know people want to be good little voters and do everything in the proper way, but how can they know if they are doing rude things to each other in a proper, equal, ethnically diverse and multicultural way that does not transgress the Rude and Naughty guidelines set out in recent legislation by the government.’

The government has already set out rules for people to follow to make sure that a woman has given her full consent to a putative ‘sexual experience or event’, and have now issued a checklist and consent for both – or more – partners to an incipient sexual experience to complete and mutually countersign before engaging in any such acts. These forms will be available in bars, clubs, any remaining pubs, supermarkets, chip shops, museums, local parks and many other places where people may expect to meet other people.

The government is to set up a special new government department to distribute these forms and to operate advice bureaus in secluded night spots where people about to consider engaging in any act of a sexual nature can get their forms countersigned by a government-trained legal representative in return for a modest fee.

The new Government Sexual Activity Consent Co-ordinator or ‘Sex Tsar’, Rosa Klebb, said that ‘When ID cards have been introduced they will be merged with the data from the Sexual Consent forms and collated in the latest government database. Then we will have full and complete knowledge of the time, duration, location and - using CCTV technology – the positions used in every act of sexual activity that takes place throughout the UK. That way we can make sure that every person in the UK is having equal amounts of sex, and that they are having it in a fully multicultural, sexually and ethnically diverse way, without demonstration any prejudice against any recognised official minority grouping. For example, we will be able to ensure that people who believe themselves to be purely heterosexual have sexual experiences with others of their own sex, and with other minority groupings too. This will ensure that the UK reaches full compliance with the many EU sexual activity equality directives we seem to have signed up to at some point.’

Of course, because of national security considerations, MPs and other members of the governing classes, high-ranking civil servants and the many celebrity friends - or those celebrities wishing to become close personal friends – of government ministers will have to be exempted from all these rules and regulations to ensure the smooth running of their expense claims the country.