Government Education Reforms

In a press conference earlier today the Prime Minister elaborated on his ideas for educational reform.

'For far too long now,' he said, 'far too many of our children have - through no fault of their own - learnt things at school, despite all our efforts to prevent it.

'People have to remember that the whole point of the education system is to make sure that people like us - middle-class people such as politicians, lawyers, doctors… even - in some cases - journalists like you, stay at the top of society where we belong. It is vital that we do not let those lower class oiks come along and spoil it.

'Frankly working class kids are our biggest worry. Despite us pretending to be the political party that represents them, the ungrateful little sods have the nasty habit of doing all sorts of things we don't like as they grow up. They do such as drinking too much, smoking, eating the wrong sort of food, wearing awful clothes, being loud, getting into fights and just generally disrupting the lives of all the nice well-mannered middle class people like us. It has to stop. Far too many of them are living on benefits and not bothering to vote for us. If we can get them working - even if we have to force them into those dreadful dead-end jobs - then the more benefit money we can save and there will be even more taxes we can spend on flattering our own egos.

'So we need the schools to teach them how to be good little wage slaves, turning up on time, being sober, reasonably dressed, not surly or argumentative and so on. And – of course – knowing which political party to vote for. THAT should be the job of schools. Frankly, so long as they can almost read and nearly add up, that is all we want. Filling their heads with facts just confuses them.

'Such things as maths and science are dangerous, because they teach pupils to look for evidence and proof and to use logic. All of which have no place in a modern society. As for the arts, all they do is encourage such absurd notions as freedom of thought and expression. All that does is upset our major donors and puts doubts into the minds of our core voters.

'Faith schools, however, are vital because they teach their pupils unquestioning obedience and to continue to believe in what they are told by authority figures no matter what evidence they find to the contrary. As politicians, those are just the sort of people we want more of in this country. So, we are going to do all we can to promote the promulgation of such beacons of unquestioning obedience, even if it does mean fiddling the figures.'