Equality, Or Else

Today, the Government Minister For Making Everyone The Same. Hetty Madwoman published a bill that will make it illegal for anyone to be different from everyone else. ‘For too long now,’ she spat ‘people have been allowed to be different to each other, and – in this modern world – that will just not do. For example, due to the breakdown of ‘Evil World Capitalism’ even Britain’s wholly fair, just and enlightened government will have to make some economies, at least until our genius of a Prime Minister saves the world again. Therefore the fewer categories we have in our essential databases which track what every person in the UK is doing every moment of the day, except when they are engaged in official government business, of course, will mean a vast saving for the government – I think.’

She then went on to outline how Britain would change under the new legislation. From now on every child will be born in a hospital that has been graded free of hospital born infections, delivered by staff which have all been certified error-free, by the highest grade of self-certifying managers. They will go to nurseries and schools, all rated as excellent by Ofsted, where they will learn that everyone is equal in every possible way, including the nursery teachers and their assistants who will – obviously be of equal status to the children they teach. This, Madwoman believes, will erode all outdated concepts of adults being of higher authority and status than the children. Furthermore, Madwoman has proposed that children from the moment of birth will have full and equal voting rights with adults. This includes being able to vote over their nursery’s, then their school’s, rules and curriculum, every child’s vote being equal in value to the votes of their ‘facilitators’. That is – of course – providing they vote for what the government wants. During the learning experience facilitators can only offer the ‘young citizens’ advice, which the children can either accept, or disregard if they feel it somehow disrespects their self-esteem, or demeans them in any way with respect to their learning facility peers. When the young citizens decide they have had enough schooling, then Madwoman proposes they will – of course - get A* grades in every subject, even the ones they didn’t bother taking. The young citizens will then go on to a compulsory university course where they will get a First-Class Honours degree in whatever they feel like doing.

In the world of work, everyone: man, woman, child, dog, or rabbit will be paid exactly the same wage – except those engaged on vital government business, of course) for working the same hours. Hetty Madwoman then said ‘To end the hideous discrimination where one job, e.g. a doctor, is given a higher status, than say, ice-cream salesperson, all jobs - outside of essential government service - will be allocated by random lottery. Marriage will be abolished and again replaced by a random lottery where partners, irrespective of sex or sexuality, will be shuffled every five years.’ This, Madwoman hopes, will help bring about the demise of the bane of heterosexuality in this country. Furthermore as women – according to Madwoman - are still discriminated against ‘being a man will be declared illegal, until such a time as all men can be phased out and replaced with women.’

‘As the country can no longer afford to pay the state pension and there have been several instances of people being discriminated against because of their age, the retirement age will be phased out and getting older will be abolished. Consequently, having birthdays will also be banned,’ Madwoman clarified.

‘Of course,’ Madwoman said, in her closing remarks, ‘this is only the start. There are many, many more things I am going to have to ban, and keep on banning and making illegal until you all learn to be equal… or else!’