Big Commons

As the latest series of Big Commons, the TV ‘Reality’ show, struggles through towards the end of its latest series, more and more of the audience are demanding that they be allowed to vote out many of the contestants.

Big Commons, the Channel 22/7 'Reality' show, is set in a building the fans of the show call 'The Houses of Parliament'.

The participants in the show are first 'voted' into the Big Commons House their so-called 'constituents' in order for the ‘Members of Parliament’ (as the contestants are called) to - as the show’s production team put it - 'to represent those constituents’. The Big Commons production team has often claimed that 'entering the Big Commons House gives these ‘MPs’ some say in how this country is run.'

However, those journalists, and other political commentators, who have witnessed the televised antics of these self-styled 'Honourable Members' of the Big Commons House, have dismissed the show’s production team’s claims that it is ‘a serious social and governmental experiment’ as 'ridiculous' and 'farcical'. Credulous Lobby-Fodder, the Political Editor at The Tymes newspaper, said, 'Anyone who thinks being a so-called ‘Member’ of the Big Commons house makes them anything more than a laughing stock for media-savvy urban pseudo-sophisticates like me is just fooling themselves, and as for 'running the country'… well, you have to admire their wide-eyed naivety, if nothing else.'

Apparently, the contestants, or 'Members' of the Big Commons House just lounge around on upholstered green benches under constant scrutiny by television cameras all day long. Most of the Members’ days are spent in exchanging gossip and insults with each other, backstabbing alleged comrades and working out elaborately convoluted expense claims. The Members also seem to spend an inordinate amount of their time engaged in blatant arse-licking of those of higher status in what those in the House call ‘Parties’, certain self-contained groupings that seem to bear no relationship to the world beyond the house, but – for some obscure reason – these party allegiances are vitally important to those within the house.

However, there are some 'Members' of the house, those belonging to the self-styled 'government' party, who engage in a protracted pantomime farce where some of their numbers pretend to run the country. At the same time, the remaining 'Members' from the other smaller, antagonistic, teams, or ‘Parties’ on the 'Other side' of the house, hurl gratuitous insults and unhelpful - and often contradictory - suggestions on how they could do it all so much better, given half a chance.

Nominally in charge* of the ‘Government Party’ in the Big Commons house is a character they like to call The Prime Minister (or ‘PM’). Although the PM himself is often not actually seen in the house, occasionally he will give some of the members of his team pointless, absurd or completely impossible tasks to perform, such as sorting out things like: the UK benefits system, crime, ID cards, the education system or pensions. The sheer impossibility of implementing the PM’s latest wheeze often forces 'Members' of the Government to quit of their own accord, if they have not by then run afoul of one of the myriad of bizarre rules and regulations that are implemented - seemingly at random – in the Big Commons House and been forced to stand down.

Bizarrely enough, it is not the breaking of the rule that matters to the Members, it only matters if the member is discovered breaking the rules by someone outside of the house, and the offending Member will then have to stand down, usually only for a short while.

So, all in all, it will be interesting to see just how many of the current crop of ‘Members’ are made of the stuff that will enable them to survive, if not prosper in such an unnatural, hostile and often perverse environment. Or, if they, like so many previous incumbents, will find themselves unceremoniously expelled from the Big Commons house in the next round of voting.

 

*Although this may change before the official time comes for the viewers get a chance to vote on whether they want him to stay , or not.