Britain’s Leading Militant Activist – The Early Years

Tolpuddle Trumptonriot knew from a very early age that he was destined to be a militant activist, right from the time he withdrew his labour from the nursery play area when his mother attempted to wean him off the breast and on to solids, and later began a campaign of ‘Play to Rule’ in support of his nanny’s claim for a living wage and an extra half day off in the middle of the week.

Like all earnest socialists, Trumptonriot did not let the fact of his wealthy privileged background interfere with his empathy for the lower classes, no matter how naïve and romanticised it seemed to most observers who did not share his ideals and enthusiasms.

It was during his time at the Pampered Darlings, private nursery, however, that Trumptonriot’s militancy first really took off when he organised a strike by every child in the nursery, demanding more biscuits with their post nap-time glass of milk. Despite having it pointed out to him and his ‘strike committee’ that any increase in the number of biscuits would result in a large increase in the nursery fees, more work for the already understaffed nursery assistants, a possible obesity threat and the risk of even more soggy crumbs getting stuck to the Duplo, Trumptonriot continued with his action, despite the increasing threats of sending him to the naughty step made by the nursery management.

However, even Trumptonriot was forced to concede defeat when one of the parents of a member of his strike committee discovered - through a web search -that rich tea fingers had been conclusively proved to cause cancer in goldfish.

However, like all great militants, Trumptonriot vowed that he would never be deterred from his righteous course of seeking social justice for the downtrodden and the disenfranchised by mere reality.

So, with a determined step in his stride he set off – satchel at the ready - to start at one of Britain’s most exclusive prep schools where, he vowed, he would fight for justice and equality at least until matron said it was time for lights out in the dorm.