Call For Trans-Fats Ban

NICE the NHS watchdog has called for so-called trans-fats to be outlawed, which has caused outrage in the trans-fat community.

Trans-fats are a group of people who - like transsexuals – feel like they have been born into the wrong body. In the case of trans-fats however, it is not the case that they feel they are the wrong sex, instead they feel they are not fat enough for the ideal body shape they would be most comfortable with, despite all the pies they eat.
As one trans-fat suffer, Vicky, from Bradford said:

I eat 20 pies for breakfast, for my mid-morning snack, my lunch, my afternoon snack, my tea, my dinner and my supper and I’m still only 32 stones. I should have a body of a much fatter person. I’m still as thin as Twiggy, despite the fact that last time I went to the seaside I was harpooned by a Japanese whaling ship.

Another trans-fat suffer, Wayne, interviewed while gnawing through a cow in his doctor’s waiting room said:

It is not easy trying to live in the wrong body for your size. Do you know how hard it is to get full-cream cakes on the NHS? I tried getting a job at Greggs, you know, but they threw me out after I eat half the stock in seven minutes. I have to hire a crane every time I want to take my shirt off, but do the Social offer to help pay for that…? Do they buggery.

I don’t know how long I can carry on living this lie, living in a body like Peter Crouch’s. I would go home and kill myself, end it all, but every time I try I get wedged in the door and the fire brigade have refused to come and pry me free ever again. They say they used up their entire year’s budget buying lard to grease me up last time I wanted to go down the chip shop and got wedged in the doorway.