Times Online Announce Paywall Exclusives

In an attempt to make its new paywall system work, Times Online has announced that, in future, the site will feature exclusive content available nowhere else on the web.
A spokeswoman said:

As News International has successfully proved with its Sky pay-per-view channels, particularly for sports and films, it seems that mugs… punters… our customers are prepared to pay for exclusive content. With that in mind, today Times Online is pleased to announce that we have signed several exclusive deals with certain news-providers for us to use the news they produce exclusively for Times Online Subscribers only.

In the international section we have signed deals with both the Taliban and al-Qaeda for exclusive reporting of their latest terrorists outrages and attacks upon targets both in the Middle-East and in Europe, including any al-Qaeda terrorist outrages in the UK itself.

In the UK we have singed up several Premier League villains, for exclusive play-by play coverage of their latest bank raids, warehouse blags, turf wars and shoot-outs with rival gangs and covert drug-smuggling activities.

We are also in dialogue with the UK government and hope to announce exclusive access for Times Online to any governmental cock-ups, egregious behaviour by MPs and advance warning of any stitch-up of legislation well before it is discovered by any other news source.

We were offered exclusive coverage of the forthcoming Labour Party leadership election, but we turned it down as we are certain no-one in the UK gives a stuff about who is contesting it, or about whichever one of the useless gawps is going to win it.
These deals mean that only Times Online will be allowed to officially report any news events caused by our partners.

Consequently, if anyone wishes to read the news about, or learn anything from, these incidents then they will have to subscribe to our site in order to receive this Exclusive content.

There have also been – so far unconfirmed reports – that in preparing for both The Sun and The News of the World to move behind paywalls too, that News International has signed exclusive deals with several top celebrities. It seems that once  behind their respective paywalls both newspapers will receive advance warning when any famous female pop singer, soap star or film actress is about to venture out to some nightspot after ‘accidentally’ forgetting to put her knickers on under her rather short dress.