National Drought Warning

Due to the un-seasonal shortage of one of its key ingredients - some substance apparently known as 'water' - the UK authorities have announced that there could be a severe alcohol drought over the summer, especially in the 'very thirsty' regions of the North and North-east.

A spokesman for the Alcohol Authorities, Hugh Mibestmate, slurred:

At the moment we are not contemplating rationing, but we are going to introduce a ban on certain uses of alcohol, mainly those uses that do not help people to fall over and/or giggle uncontrollably.

 Asked to clarify, Mr Mibestmate continued:

We are banning such things as the utter waste of precious alcohol by Formula One racing drivers pointlessly squirting each other with vast bottles of Champagne. The alcohol wasted in such activities could keep a Glaswegian family of moderate to heavy drinkers slightly sozzled for several hours.

 The alcohol industry has also introduced plans for the recycling of alcohol where the contents of pub slop trays will be recycled as fancy bottled lagers for trendy southern softies to pose with.

There will also be an outright ban on beer shampoo and other such non-essential uses of alcohol.

The current mayor of London has promised to look again at plans, opposed by his predecessor, to build a plant on the banks of the Thames to turn unused fruit flavourings into vital Alco pops to help ease the capital's severe sobriety problem, hopefully just in time for the next Mayoral election.