Britain’s Newest Sporting Superstar

Nobby Elbowlicker is a name not too well known outside of the sometimes rather insular world of semi-professional extreme underwater knee-fondling. Although, yet to take off with the general public like those other sporting activities with which it has so much in common – ballroom dancing and wife-swapping – its devotees predict that it soon will become one of the UK’s most popular sports.

Although it doesn’t involve quite so many sequins as ballroom dancing and is less onerous on the lower back than wife-swapping and other such aspects of the ‘swinging’ lifestyle, semi-professional knee-fondling does have a glamour all of its own, especially in the more intense aspects of the sport such as extreme underwater knee-fondling, which – as most people know – has a professional league of its own and now features regularly on one of those dedicated cable sports channels that needs something, anything, to fill up the gaps between its adverts.

Nobby Elbowlicker has – as many sports fans will – undoubtedly, soon know - as he is destined to become a household name – been made the underwater knee-fondling Premier League player of the year for the last 3 years running and is – it seems all set to win the award again this season, especially as his team, the Luton Sticklebacks seems set to do the League and Cup double again this year, that is if they can win their semi-final match against Middlesbrough Damp Patch Academicals this weekend.

Elbowlicker is also set to become the first ever team captain of the brand new England extreme underwater knee-fondling team in readiness for the first European Nations Extreme Underwater Knee-Fondling Cup. Despite being English, Elbowlicker and his team-mates are expected to do quite well in the cup, with some pundits predicting a England V Netherlands final.

However, the Netherlands are strong favourites as the Dutch – with a large part their nation below sea-level – quite well-trained in underwater activities and are well used to getting moist in team events, as any glance – or in-depth closer look (for research purposes only, obviously) - at their burgeoning porn industry will attest.

However, Elbowlicker and the rest of the team are abut o set off on a pre-tournament tour of some of Great Britain’s least shopping-trolley festooned canals in order to get themselves in peak match fitness for the tournament and we can only wish them well for the upcoming first group match against Italy and their superstar leading penalty-fondler from Venice, Gnocchi Tagliatelle.