Cheese Disorganisation and Social Disorder

Porkchop Dailygrind was just an ordinary run-of-the-mill Cheese Arrangement Officer in her local council Cheese Reconciliation Unit, who never expected to become so famous, especially for what she regarded as a routine part of her job. On what seemed to her like an ordinary Tuesday morning, she was on duty at the local council Emergency Cheese Incident Desk when an emergency call came in from a local resident, claiming that a cheese disorganising gang had moved into her street on a local housing estate. The caller seemed almost hysterical, claiming that: ‘There is brie everywhere! This used to be such a respectable neighbourhood too….’

With no fear for her own safety, despite the fearsome reputation of cheese disorganising gangs for callous and wanton violence and a callous disregard for the integrity of the Double Gloucester, after pausing only to pick up her trusty 12-bore, Dailygrind set off for the housing estate.

As we all know from perusing the more lurid headlines in some of the more… excitable tabloids, cheese disorganising rackets have now become the greatest threat to law and order, and western civilisation, at least since the last such threat our ever-vigilant and noble tabloids helpfully last waxed hysterically about. According to these reports, cheese disorganising gangs are now causing panic and consternation throughout the country, terrifying all the normal law-abiding people of this land. This, in turn, is forcing politicians to proclaim their concern and make promises to introduce some wonderfully counter-productive knee-jerk legislation.

Cheese disorganising gangs manage to worm their way into people’s lives and cause severe and criminal disorganisation of the various cheeses in people’s lives, often through blackmail, intimidation and severe violence, especially at specialist delicatessens. Some people have had their Caerphilly held to ransom, and one family in Ludlow haven’t seen their Sage Derby for several months and are now beginning to fear the worst, especially after local police found a tell-tale pile of cracker crumbs at a notorious cheese disorganising gang’s former hideout.

Anyway, Dailygrind arrived on the housing estate just as the cheese disorganising gang were manhandling a fridge out into the street fully intending to cause severe distress to a wedge of Edam and perhaps engage in some illegal acts with a small portion of Cheshire cheese.

Immediately, with no thought for her own safety, and her only concern for the integrity of the various cheeses already suffering considerable distress in the manhandled fridge, Dailygrind let the gang leader, already with tell-tale Red Leicester stain on his elbows, have both barrels from her shotgun at point blank range, before calmly reloading and suggesting the rest of the gang move away from the fridge and await the arrival of the police.

Once the police had arrived, taken the gang into custody and wiped up what remained of the gang leader, Dailygrind cut then - at last – open the fridge and carefully, and with very practiced hands, make sure the full integrity of the cheese was restored before handing the fridge back to its distraught owners, mount up on her moped and with the cries of thanks from the local residents ringing in her ears, and ride off into the sunset, satisfied at another job well done.