A Sanctuary

Ex-1980s socialite and former topless raincoat model Tepid Malodourant now runs the UK’s first Politician’s Sanctuary. A safe place, deep in the wild Luton countryside far from any signs of civilisation, where politicians who have been abused, scorned and vilified by the press, public, and even – if they have been caught out and their malfeasance made public – by the rest of their political pack, eager to distance themselves from their wounded former ally, can find sanctuary.

As Malodourant herself says:

It can be a lonely life for a politician who suddenly finds itself thrown out of the pack for whatever reason, it can be something as trivial as finding a string of secret lovers, a slightly unusual but tabloid-friendly sexual deviation, the mere swindling of the tax payer of a measly few hundred thousand pounds in ‘expenses’, or even some minor political peccadillo like treason against the country, the slight murder of a political rival, right up to the very serious offence of saying something disparaging about one’s party or – even, perish the thought – something as bad as saying you disagree with your party leader about some relatively minor aspect of party policy.

Whatever it is that the politician has done, we here – at the sanctuary - do not judge, we just adjust our fees accordingly and offer them a safe refuge whilst they go about rebuilding their shattered lives, hiring a publicist and writing their memoirs.

For the political it can be hard to adjust. Often they lose everything, going from having a wife, family and several mistresses and/or gay lovers, a job they hardly ever actually have to do and expenses that can pay for everything they can think of, right down to having to rely on ‘Exclusive Article’ fees from a tabloid newspaper, before then having to eke out a living appearing as a guest on satirical news programmes that believe it is ‘edgy’ and ‘witty’ to have on their show someone who - were they not a (former) politician - would either still be in prison, or sleeping on a park bench in a newspaper-stuffed overcoat, drinking meths.

However, such is the compassion that Malodourant and others of her ilk feel for these poor unfortunate creatures, that now it is possible for the disgraced politicians to end their political days in dignity, safety and a relatively comfy bed-sit where they can recover at their own pace before they are released back out into the wilds of the political and media jungle once again.