The Philosophy of Foodstuffs

‘Even if we do try to make sense of the notion of cheesecake, then we are left bewildered by the tin of peach slices left in the cupboard.’ These famous wise words by the post-war Anglo-German philosopher and car park attendant, Otto Von Van Transit, have – as everyone knows, had a profound effect not only on modern philosophy, they have revolutionised the whole field of symbolic logic, especially in its relationship with cheesecake.

To reconcile what on the face of it two mutually-exclusive philosophical concepts like cheese and cake, and not only that find this new synthesis between them was Von Van Transit’s must remarkable achievement. However, much to his own disappointment and frustration, he was never to really make any logical connection between this revolutionary notion of cheesecake as both cheese and cake and as a new entity in itself as a cheesy cake and a cakey-cheese with not only tinned peaches, but tinned goods as a whole.

Early in his career as visiting Professor of Sweets And Puddings at Pheeble College, Oxford, Von Van Transit had made some remarkable progress on reconciling the notion of the jelly with the concept of tinned fruit, especially the use of mandarin segments in orange jelly. Even Bertrand Russell was impressed by this new young philosopher, claiming it had changed his whole concept of what things could be put on toast, opening up a previous-unexplored area beyond the Platonic notion of toast and marmalade, as outlined in Russell’s own Principia Toastacus.

Unfortunately, Von Van Transit found himself haunted by the concept of tinned vegetables and how they could be philosophically reconciled with the then nascent frozen vegetable industry without a thorough rewriting of Kant’s Categorical Imperative to incorporate the moral use of the freezer. Then at the tender young age (for a philosopher) of 73 tragedy struck Von Van Transit when a tin of sweet corn he was contemplating on a windy cliff top slipped from his grasp and tumbled down the cliff face, becoming wedged in a straggly bush mere inches from the sheer edge of the cliff. With little thought for his own safety, but obviously deeply concerned that the loss of the tin of sweet corn could set the philosophy of foodstuffs back several decades, Von Van Transit attempted to rescue the endangered tin.

Von Van Transit’s body was washed up on the shore three days later, but as A. J. Ayer remarked in his eulogy at Von Van Transit’s Memorial Service in Westminster Abbey’s Tinned Goods Aisle, Von Van Transit still had the tin of sweet corn clutched in his hand when his body was discovered… ‘and for that the world of Philosophy will ever be grateful.’