Adept in the Art of Sensuous Undertakings

While it is somewhat true that I may have – indeed – revealed details of your illicit activities with a brace of cheese and onion baguettes to a chiropodist in Cirencester, this does not mean that your overnight dalliance with a small cabal of Lithuanian semi-professional chin-strokers has gone completely unnoticed either. For it now seems inevitable that that night when you all spent up until the small hours unsuccessfully attempting to attach small electric motors to the hind legs of dormice in order to invent some new kind of eco-friendly pencil sharpener, will soon become a matter of public record.

It does seem fashionable, especially amongst media pundits and others we habitually don their trousers of pontification nowadays to profess that privacy is dead. However, there are some amongst us for whom certain confidences are sacrosanct. That is, unless the tabloids come up with a generous offer, including several evenings spent – at their expense – in the company of certain ladies of negotiable affection, who are more than adept in the art of sensuous undertakings.

Anyway, all that I am saying is that you should rest easy in your bed – providing you can get comfortable with that many firemen sharing your sleeping space, and the local rugby team has an away match that day - because my price is quite high. Furthermore, not only do I promise never to sell your secrets cheaply, I also, hereby, solemnly promise that the photographs will – only ever - go to the highest bidder who promises to publish them in only the most tasteful manner possible, considering the subject matter.