According to a report issued by the media busybody Ofcom, the average British male now spends half his life wanking off to porn on a wide variety of devices.
As an Ofcom spokesman said, once he took his hand from his underpants and turned off his mobile:
For example back in the 1980s a bloke had to hide a copy of Razzle in the Month-End Results and pretend he was cleaning his glasses under the desk, if he fancied a quick one off the wrist at work. Then he had to wait until he got home and the wife was out at her mother’s before he could fast forward through a worn-out Electric Blue to watch a grainy woman vaguely touching herself on some exotic beach location.
Nowadays, there is so much porn about that you can have two well-oiled Russian lesbians pleasuring each other with an egg whisk and a watermelon on DVD, while you’ve got a kinky housewife teaching her toyboy how to be dirty on your laptop, and a high-quality video featuring a bevy of Japanese women dressed up as schoolgirls giving a tongue bath to a ‘plumber’ on your mobile – all at the same time.
It is no wonder the share price of Kleenex has gone through the roof.
As one formerly healthy young man said:
I’m wearing myself out here. About five years ago I set myself a challenge to see all the porn there is out there, which means that I have my DVD player going all day, the Adult channels on the TV on all night and I have about 200 000 pornsites bookmarked in my browser. If I had time to go to work these days I’d be no good there, I don’t have the strength to even hold a pen any more, not without the ink suddenly squirting out of the end all over my tie, anyway.
Luckily, though, it hasn’t affected my sex life because the wife is there every night watching recordings of that Spartacus thing on Bravo where the hunky gladiators seem to spend all their time waving their knobs at each other, while browsing Toyboy Warehouse on her laptop and flirting with some stud from Alaska she met on Facebook using Twitter on her mobile. It is costing her a fortune to keep herself in chocolate and buy new batteries for her Rampant Rabbit.
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