Even though there were plenty of reasons not to, she – as is her wont – insisted. So, I had no option but to pick the freshest of the watermelons and don my flippers in readiness.
She approached – at speed – from the north end of the bedroom, taking a firm grasp on my already-proffered shuttlecock as she made her third lap of the bed, which already had the Norwegian judge marking her down for her unorthodox use of the gardening wellies.
Still, we managed to just scrape through the first round against a very strong German couple who did things with sauerkraut and lederhosen that would make a TV celebrity blush.
After our convincing win over the Belgian couple in the next round, the press began speculating on our chances of not only reaching the finals (the first time for a British team since the heyday of the 1970s squad), but that we could even beat the reigning World Champion Dutch team who did that thing with a whole Edam cheese that is the most frequently-streamed clip on YouTube as well as now being a best-selling computer game.
However, first, though, we have to beat the Italians in the semi—finals next weekend, where they will be doing their best to dazzle the judges with their use of bondage linguini. We hope you will all be there to support us in our efforts to continue this year of great British sporting success.
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