A Major British Olympic Contender

Emeryboard Ducksplatter is – of course, quite-rightly regarded as the finest exponent of Un-Recalibrated Underwater Pissing-About that these islands have ever produced, getting through to the Olympic Underwater Pissing-About finals in the last seven Olympics in a row. He is all set to reach the peak of his ability in the upcoming 2012 London Olympics in the special Underwater Pissing-About bucket now approaching completion on the banks of the Thames itself, generally regarded as the very birthplace of Underwater Pissing-About.

Of course, people have been pissing about under, and in, water since long before it became an Olympic event, Hence the invention of the inflatable lilo and the snorkel. However, Olympic standard pissing about - whether in or on the water - is quite obviously taken to an extreme – some would say too extreme – level of ability, competence, physical strength and marvellous dexterity of the thumbs.

For example, Ducksplatter himself, spends up to ten hours a day in his Olympic standard snorkel, and skin-tight Underwater Pissing-About suit, in the British Olympic team’s Pissing-About bucket just outside Leamington Spa. There he practices constantly the various forms of Underwater Pissing About necessary for the top-flight Olympic athlete, and – of course – keeping those thumbs in tiptop condition by peeling up to seven tight-skinned oranges a day.

Of course, the British Isles is famous throughout the world for the ability of its citizens to piss about at the drop of a hat. Furthermore, with the entire country’s vast experience of spending a great deal of their days wandering about in drizzle, they have a natural affinity for the damp, which makes them ideally suited to the rigours of underwater pissing-about.

Therefore, with the seemingly increasing inability for this once-great country’s youth to do anything useful with a football, other than covering it with ketchup and attempting to eat it, a strong case could be made for making Un-Recalibrated Underwater Pissing-About this country’s new national sport. Therefore, if Ducksplatter does his country proud in the upcoming London Olympics, expect to see far more Un-Recalibrated Underwater Pissing-About taking place in many of the pissing-about buckets of this fair country.