People Staring At Walls

Slopout Puddleduck first became a so-called celebrity through the C4 ‘Reality’ programme, People Staring At Walls, where ordinary members of the public are filmed 24 hours a day sharing a house where they all spend their time each staring at a separate wall in that house. Puddleduck shot to notoriety, if not fame, and achieved her coveted official bona-fide celebrity status, when she accused another contestant, Spud Torpor, of staring at Puddleduck’s wall instead of his own.

At first, the tabloids were all against Puddleduck, accusing her of being a vicious howling she-chav with no redeeming social skills, loveable working-class charm, or willingness to get her tits out whilst staring at her wall. However, when the video replay evidence was shown, it revealed - to the shock, horror and consternation of the whole of the UK – that Torpor had – indeed – been staring at Puddleduck’s wall in direct contravention of the programme’s strict, but totally arbitrary, rules.

Questions, of course, were asked in the Houses of Parliament, and the Prime Minister himself promised a full independent investigation into the whole affair and the producer of the show was sacked, then tarred and feathered when cornered by a mob of outraged fans of the show.

The independent investigation, under the chairman ship of a retired judge, Lord Justice Doolally Bedwetter, took twelve years, cost 200 million pounds and produced a report nearly 2 pages thick which severely criticised the programme makers themselves for filming in a specially-constructed house which made all the walls all far too interesting for people to stare at.

The report recommended that everyone involved in making the programme should pay a fine of £25 000 pounds each, paint their left knee yellow and spend 7 years on the Naughty Step at C4’s London headquarters.

These days though, Puddleduck is mainly famous for marrying, and then acrimoniously divorcing, several Premiership footballers, and is now mainly seen photographed leaving expensive fashion designer shops with an armload of carrier bags. However, it has been rumoured that she is set to be one of the celebrity judges on BBC 1’s forthcoming early Saturday evening talent show where Andrew Lloyd-Webber searches for a new singer to star in his forthcoming West-End musical - which he hopes will be as big a success as Cats - based on The Rats by James Herbert, entitled Singing In The Sewers.