Celebrity Cheese Contemplation

It seems, these days that the wonderful world of Celebrity Cheese Contemplation is once again making headlines. After the tense excitement of last week’s semi-final when the reining champion for the previous three seasons running, Depilation Boobjob, was almost defeated in an extra round of viewer voting, for - what many viewers thought was - her less than rapt attention towards the often-tricky Dutch Edam. However, after a recount of the production company’s share of the phone vote takings, Boobjob was declared the winner, and thus made her way into this week’s Grand Final.

Of course, as she later said in the obligatory post-voting tearful interview, ‘Dutch Edam has always been a bit tricky… like… for me, after what happened to me mam.’ Ironically, of course, it was Boobjob’s distraught and distressing tale of how her ‘mam’ had been caught up in the infamous Dutch Edam Riots of the late 1950s, which enabled her to get through the earlier compulsory ‘Harrowing, But Endearing And Uplifting Contestant’s Sob Story’ rounds with such consummate ease.

The makers of Celebrity Cheese Contemplation, Innitforthemoney, have always claimed that the programme is more than mere titillating voyeurism for jaded celebrity-fixated couch potatoes. The producers claim that the serious purpose of the programme lies in the way it can be used as a sociological and psychological exercise where famous celebrities help other ordinary people work through their own cheese-related traumas. By displaying and dealing with cheese in an intensive full-on 24-hour cheese contemplation environment, whilst stuck in a constantly-monitored house with other celebrities, viewers can see how the famous cope with the all the inevitable cheese-related confrontations in their lives.

Furthermore, through their tasteful use of celebrity nudity, and frank sexually explicit cod-psychology, the programme producers claim they can achieve the kind of viewing figures, and consequent advertiser revenue, which will make them all very wealthy indeed. The programme, they also claim, will forever consign to history that deep sense of shame some people undergo when they are, say, forced to contemplate a Double-Gloucester in the privacy of their own supermarket dairy aisle.

However, since Boobjob’s breakdown on the set of this year’s Celebrity Cheese Contemplation Grand Final, when she was confronted by a wedge of Sage Derby whilst undressing for the obligatory daily shower scene, she claimed the show’s producers had deliberately provoked her into making some explicitly derogatory anti-cheese remarks live on camera.

Those remarks, obviously, caused outage amongst the many fans of Sage Derby who had gathered outside the Celebrity Cheese Contemplation house, crackers at the ready, in the hope of tasting some cheese that had – however briefly – been in the vicinity of some celebrities, and thus somehow become infused with fresh celebrity magic.

‘That’s it!’ said one outraged fan. ‘I had sellotaped a picture of Boobjob next to my cheeseboard, so her magical celebrity spirit powers could always guide me to the correct choice of cheese for my cracker. Now she’s said those things about Sage Derby, I’m going to rip that picture up and replace it with one of Gary Lineker. He’s nowhere near as pretty as Boobjob but he is very respectful towards his Red Leicester.’

A spokeswoman for the production company said:

Obviously, we condemn any prejudicial remarks anyone makes about any or all of the cheese involved in the programme. However, when we see the massive increases a controversy like this causes in our viewing figures, we feel we are duty-bound to our shareholders to make as much of it as possible. So, we feel we must do all we can to make sure that Boobjob continues her provocative presence in the programme. Consequently, we fully expect that if the viewers vote her out in one of this week’s polls before the Grand Final at the weekend, that we can find some way of continuing the controversy. Perhaps by bending the rules so that she stays in the programme, and - quite obviously – becomes the surprise winner in the Grand Final vote on Saturday’s Prime Time Live Open Viewer Poll Vote Spectacular. Thank you.