Today, the several police forces of the UK joined together to announce the formation of a new crime hotline. They did, however, make it quite clear that they will be keeping the traditional 999 number for what they called 'old-fashioned, out of style' crimes such as robbery, murder, burglary, rape and so on. The new hotline will be exclusively for people to report any form of abuse that they feel could damage their self-esteem in any way whatsoever.
As the Chief Constable for Someplace-Nowhere-Near-London said, "It is vital that we get officers out to deal with damage to someone's self-esteem as soon as possible. So, we feel that if this hotline could save many people from getting a bit upset, then it will all be worthwhile."
With the burgeoning number of 'hate-crimes' seemingly always on the increase any form of abuse from sexual, racial or religious right up to the several new laws the government have outlined outlawing such things as ageism, size-ism, smell-ism, hairstyle-ism, looking-a-bit-funny-ism, soft-southern-poof-ism and many more such hateful acts, it seems the need for some new police response is now overwhelming.
At the press conference, the Home Secretary said, "We feel that it is only right and proper that these crimes get the police resources and attention to deal with them properly."
"As soon as we get a call on the new hotline," a police spokesman said, "we will immediately dispatch a crack squad of specially-trained officers in full-body anti-personal abuse armour to deal with the miscreant, or miscreants."
There were rumours, hastily dismissed as tittle-tattle by the senior officers present at the press briefing, that the anti-personal abuse armour had to be expensively redesigned. A Chief Constable said, in an off-the-record briefing, "There's absolutely no truth in the rumour that the armour was redesigned because one female member of an anti-personal abuse team rushed off in tears when she was told the body armour made her bum look too big." However, if such a claim were found to be true, then whoever made the remark would, under the new laws against abusive personal remarks, be facing a prison sentence of up to seven years.
Henceforth, not only will a squad of highly trained anti-personal abuse officers be sent to track down the perpetrators of the abuse, the police will also - on receiving a hotline call - dispatch a specially-trained team of personal self-esteem counsellors to try to boost the shattered self-esteem of the victim. "It is important that the feelings of the victim are recognised and sensitively dealt with," said yet another Chief Constable from somewhere probably a long way away from London. "Especially with the chance that the police could end up facing law suits ourselves. So we have instigated a scheme where any victim of a self-esteem attack can call on 24-hour support in case of sudden self-doubt, depression or, even, 'just feeling a bit sad and tearful, really.'"
An almost orgasmic Home Secretary enthused, "These high-speed squads will be on the scene within minutes of any form of personal disparagement, feeling offended, feelings of outrage, abuse to personal feelings or even just a general sense of slight unease or unpleasantness. The modern police force must be prepared to defend the feelings of ordinary citizens - especially vocal minorities in marginal constituencies - from anything thy feel they might be offended by in the modern hurtful environment that often seems to have no regard for delicacy of feeling, no matter how trivial or insignificant."
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