Blasphemy

One of the holiest documents in the Uttabollux religion is the Sacred Shopping List that the Holy Prophet Nhigel was - according to the Uttabollux Holy book The Madeupstuff - clutching in his hand while in the post office queue when Skhighhibhoss first spoke to him.

Every year thousands of Uttabolluxers make the pilgrimage to the holy city of Tourhisttrhap, deep in the deserts of Alfiesgoatstain, to pray at the Holy Filing Cabinet of Nhigel, which contains - as legend has it - that original shopping list.

So when the writer, Hackwork Easydosh, was commissioned to write a biography of Nhigel, he was very surprised to find no-one willing to speculate on what was on that so-crucial shopping list that led Nhigel to be in the Post office at that particular time on that particular day. So, when Easydosh later mentioned this in an interview with the Northumbrian magazine Die Stoat Die, the magazine produced an article asking a dozen newspaper columnists to speculate on what might have been on Nhigel's shopping list.

The article appeared several months ago and was - by and large - ignored by the rest of the world. That was until a few days ago when suddenly a large number of newspapers, TV channels, internet sites and other media outlets in several strict Uttabollux countries began publishing shocked and outraged editorials denouncing the magazine's shopping lists as heretical, blasphemous and signs of a Western plot to make the Uttabolluxers 'look a bit silly'.

Nohbrahin Re-Actshunahri, the Hibossmahn (High priest) Dhaftghit said, 'A couple of these heinous, blasphemous so-called Shopping Lists claim that Marmite was on the Holy One's Shopping List. This is just outrageous. Every Uttabolluxer knows that Marmite is Nhastistuhff, something that no devout Uttabolluxer should ever touch. Just for that I have issued a Fatghit demanding that the devil composers of these horrific lists should be stoned to death, slowly - with very small pebbles - so they suffer for insulting the merciful, wise and kind Skhighhibhoss and his Holy Prophet in such an outrageous manner.'

However, the rumour that one of the Blasphemous' Shopping Lists contained a reference to 'A Jar Of peanut Butter' caused several days of rioting, which resulted in over fifty deaths, in several of the stricter Uttabollux countries. Re-Actshunahri explained, 'Not only is peanut butter very Nhastistuff indeed, it is a product of the evil American imperialist warmongers for use as a chemical weapon in their crusade against the Uttabollux people. The American's claim it really is a food, but every Uttabolluxer who has ever tried it has felt very sick indeed.'

Asked what will happen next, Re-Actshunahri said, "We are reasonable people, all we want is an abject apology from the perpetrators of this blasphemy and a promise to never be disrespectful to the Uttabolluxers, the Skihighhibhoss or Nhigel ever again.'

Our reporter then asked, respectfully (from inside her cardboard box worn especially as a mark of reverence during this interview). 'Will that then be the end of the matter?'

'Oh, no,' Re-Actshunarhi replied. 'As the peaceful religion, The Ladhifeah demands that we still kill the blasphemous list makers in a nasty and painful way as possible, as a loving Skihighhibhoss would want us to. But, at least this way the evil list-makers can burn in hell for all eternity with a clear conscience.'