The Tragic Death of the World's Greatest Film Actress

Despite the tragic accident than claimed her life at the relatively young age of 35, Spoon Llamagasket will - most likely - be regarded as the greatest film actress of our age.

While only appearing in a bit part in a single almost insignificant scene in the 1990's biggest box-office flop Return of the Clone of the Terminator Wars IV: The Revenge of The Stoats, where she played a night-club barmaid, Llamagasket's star quality shone through. Although she didn't have a single line of dialogue and only had to raise a single quizzical eyebrow, her appearance in this one scene shot her to mega-stardom almost overnight. That scene, despite the 137 takes it took for her to get her eyebrow to rise at just the right moment that the script demanded, is indelibly etched in the memory of so many film fans worldwide. You only have to mention the topless bar scene in Return of the Clone of the Terminator Wars IV: the Revenge of the Stoats for many a film fan's eyes to glaze over in reverie.

Llamagasket's fame seemed to grow exponentially from the moment of that film's release, especially from its premier night where Spoon discovered her one true great talent, the art of falling out of her dress right in front of the hordes of press cameramen. Consequently, she secured invitations to all the major film premieres worldwide, and at each one managed to fall out of her dress at precisely the right moment and with such studied casual artistry, earning not only lots of media attention for her, but for the film she was there, at least nominally, to watch.

However, yesterday evening, when stepping out of her limousine at the world premier of All My Tax Returns II at The glamorous Wigan Movie Multiplex, tragedy struck. With only one leg out of the car, Spoon Llamagasket's designer dress collapsed around her a moment too soon, forcing her to stumble as she left the car, hitting her head hard on a slightly-too eager cameraman's zoom lens, rendering her immediately unconscious.

Unfortunately, the press of photographers surged forward, in their understandable public duty to get as many photographs as they could of Llamagasket naked in a puddle, which meant that the barriers holding them back from the red carpet gave way under the pressure from so many heavily-built middle-aged men struggling with unwieldy camera equipment.

Unfortunately, just as she was regaining consciousness and beginning to smile through the blizzard of strobe-light camera flashes, all the photographers fell in a heap on top of her. So, at the tender age of just 35, Spoon Llamagasket was crushed to death under a massive avalanche of excessively-corpulent press photographers.

The funeral will take place in three days time at the Wigan Crematorium, where Spoon Llamagasket's casket will be slid under the crematorium's door at 3:30 PM GMT.