Trilobite Hatstand – Revolutionary Poet, Playwright And Arc-Welder

Trilobite Hatstand - the almost legendary poet, playwright and arc-welder - first met Aorta Mammary-Swelling at the gates of the world-famous Tipton shipyards. Aorta latter confessed that she was at the shipyard gates solely on the look-out for a bit of rough. This was, of course, after her in-depth analysis with Freud himself while both were briefly in Bewdley, one December afternoon, at one of the now-infamous Prolestrangler-Ankletrouser country house weekends. Freud revealed in their twenty-three and a half minute session together that Aorta - due to a previously unconscious childhood trauma where she had discovered the undergardener and the upstairs maid secretly oiling her father's stapling machine together - could achieve orgasm with a man only if he smelt faintly of oil.

Trilobite Hatstand - an Oxford graduate - had studied Marx with all the eager zealotry that only the independently-wealthy could. This bright-eyed newly-committed radical decided that it would be he who would be the champion the working classes so obviously needed, if not desired. So, he selflessly devoted himself to becoming that working-class hero, no matter what the personal cost to himself, or - if too dangerous - his valet.

To this end, Hatstand immediately turned to writing poetry, and began to seek some way of getting his hands dirty. Eventually he took up an apprenticeship in arc-welding. It was only three weeks after he took his first job as an arc-welder at the Tipton shipyards that he met Aorta, who was hanging around the shipyard gates looking for a man oily enough to get her excited.

It was love - or at least, lust - at first sight for Hatstand and Mammary-Swelling. As soon as their eyes met across the crowd of workers exiting the shipyard, they knew they were destined for each other. Joining hands in the midst of the crowd of workers, they knew their love would last forever. Not wanting to waste a moment, the two young lovers, immediately ran to Hatstand's waiting Rolls-Royce, urging the chauffer to hasten to Aorta's Tipton mansion as fast as possible.

Mammary-Swelling later confessed that they were so much in love that they could hardly wait for their servants to undress them, and - for a moment - considered the - then very daring - option of undoing their own buttons, but propriety prevailed. So, once their servants had manually assisted each of them to the necessary level of arousal, they began to make passionate love.

The very next day, however, in a fit of romantic ideological fervour, Hatstand set off to join up for the Spanish Civil War. After a few days of confusion trying to discover which was the most ideological-correct side to join, Hatstand soon found himself, and his valet, on the frontline.

Tragically, though only two weeks later - for some unknown reason, and in a seemingly devastating lapse of professional judgement - Hatstand's valet allowed his young master to attempt to lob his own hand grenades.

Hatstand's body - what bits of it they could find - along with most of the body of his valet was returned, to the family home a few weeks later.

Hatstand was buried at several places in the grounds of that house, while the remains of his devoted valet were - in line with the terms of Hatstand’s Last Will and Testament - fed to his young master's dogs.

Aorta Mammary-Swelling never really got over the loss of Hatstand, her one true love, and selflessly decided to devote the rest of her all too short life to the relief of the manual workers in the heavy industries of the West Midlands. She died only three years later, trampled to death when the iron foundry’s amateur football team she was helping relieve discovered it was almost closing time and they all suddenly needed to get to the bar for last orders.