MOD Health & Safety Concerns

With the Court of Appeal about to hand down a ruling on whether Health and Safety rules apply in battle, the MOD issued the following statement:

As it now seems that the Health and Safety Rules are about to be made applicable to the battlefield, we have ordered our battlefield lawyers to begin issuing writs and injunctions against the Taliban in Afghanistan and the various insurgency forces, including Al-Qaeda in Iraq. These writs and injunctions will be served against these various organisations for making the battlefields in those two countries injurious to the health and safety of British troops stationed there.

In Afghanistan, a British soldier, whose unit was busy cordoning off a battlefield with safety fencing and warning signs, said ‘Some of those Taliban in there,’ nodding towards the fence-off battlefield, ‘have got guns and rocket launchers. We told then to be careful, and that they could easily have someone’s eye out with one of those grenades, but they didn’t seem to listen.’

‘We have no choice,’ said the Captain commanding the unit. ‘They have just refused to listen. So, we have no choice but to send a helicopter full of lawyers armed with writs in there. Those poor Taliban sods won’t stand a chance.’ He shook his head sadly. ‘War is hell sometimes.’

Over recent weeks there have been rumours circulating in Afghanistan that crack SAS Health and Safety units have been inserted behind the Taliban lines to secretly inspect the Taliban strongholds to see if they are breaching any Health and Safety directives. A former army commander (now retired) who served in the region recently said, ‘If successful then such a strategy could close down Taliban operations over an entire region. If – for example – the Taliban were not supplying their insurgents with adequate hand-washing facilities then the high command would simply have no choice but to close down the stronghold and send all its fighters back home.’

However, a Forces spokesman refused to comment on whether such an operation was taking place. ‘I – as is normal with possible undercover operations – cannot confirm or deny any such operations are underway, as it would be a severe breach of our soldier’s right to privacy. Thank you.’

Late yesterday an Al-Qaeda spokesman confirmed that in future the organisation would insist that its operatives comply with all Health and Safety guidelines, saying:

‘From now on, we will restrict our terrorist activities to writing strongly-worded – but polite - letters of complaint to local newspapers. Furthermore, our suicide bombers have been told they can only blow themselves up in deserted disused quarries, and then only if no episodes of Doctor Who are being recoded in the immediate vicinity. Thank you, and may your God go with you.’