New Sexual Offences Laws Proposed

The Home Secretary, for a modest fee (including legitimate expenses incurred), yesterday announced that the government would be bringing in new legislation to, as she put it, ‘clarify some of the new Sexual Offence laws the government plan to introduce during the current Parliamentary session.’

‘It is obvious,’ she said, after checking her expense claim for the interview, ‘that there are still some – admittedly small – areas of life we haven’t quite passed enough laws about. So, after some more research we’ve had made up, we have decided that criticising the actions or members of the government in any shape or form is quite obviously some form of weird sexual deviation. Therefore, we owe it to the hard-wanki hard working people of this great country to make sure such perverted and disgusting practices are made illegal as quickly as possible. Then, the people of this great country can carry on with their lives safe in the knowledge that we are going about claiming expenses for the hard work we pretend to do, without having the threat of being criticised by these depraved perverts hanging over us.’

‘As the Prime Minister has so recently shown,’ she continued ‘on the very, very, few occasions we do get found out for cock screwi messing it up - not that we ever do, of course – we are not afraid of apologising for our errors, especially when it all began in America, and so it is not our fault at all.’

The new law states that ‘anyone found, or even suspected of, criticising the government in any way, shape or form will be sentenced to a minimum of 15 years in prison, have their name added to the Sex Offenders register as a weirdo perverted deviant, and have their house burned down by a rampaging mob.’

‘I think people will see these measures are just and fair,’ the Home Secretary added, while putting in an expense claim for the wear and tear to her lipstick caused by our interview. ‘After all, we are only doing what is right for this country, therefore it must follow that all those who criticise us must be perverts and deviants who shouldn’t be allowed any of the few remaining rights we haven’t had time to abolish yet. Thank you, and would you mind just signing this expense claim for me?’