Government Announces New Scrappage Scheme

Early this morning the UK Business Secretary, Lord Mortgage, announced a new ‘Scrappage’ scheme, saying:

We have discovered a large number of MPs who we now need to get rid of rather urgently, before the public finds out just how many other fiddles we they have been getting away with. So, if there are any corrupt Third-World countries that could do with any venal mendacious jobsworths to create an illusion of democracy we will give them a few thousand quid to take these MPs off our hands, no questions asked. Oh, and we have a slightly-damaged Speaker of the House that we will to give away free to any Dictatorship that needs a parliamentary figurehead that will always put the interests of the governing classes above those of the people he purports to represent.

There are rumours that several countries have expressed an interest in importing some British ex-MPs to help train their own parliamentarians in how to become more corrupt. For example, a spokesman for the Zimbabwean government said:

We had thought we’d learnt all there was to learn from the old colonial powers about corruption in politics, but these British MPs with their fantastical expense claims just take it all to a much higher level. Now we know that not only can we continue to screw our people over, we can also claim elaborate expenses for doing it too. Amazing.

However, there has been some criticism of the scheme, especially from the EU, where a spokeswoman claimed:

Actually, these British MPs are not really all that good, as Lord Mortgage ought to know after his time here. Our European MEPs are much more efficient at hovering up expenses, freebies and other such tax-payer funded jollies, and we have a system which means they are never found out. So, if any corrupt dictatorships out there need anyone to show them how it is done, then I suggest they come visit the European Parliament soon. All expenses paid, of course.

Furthermore, one critic of the government scheme pointed out that:

The problem with the scheme is that with the current economic downturn, not many Third World governments will be able to keep these MPs in the level of expenses they are used to. For example, some poor African countries couldn’t even afford to dig the moat, let alone pay the expenses to have it cleaned.

If this ‘Scrappage’ deal does take off it could start a new trend as several banks have also expressed interest in operating a similar scheme themselves, where they offer money to other business to take in some old surplus-to-requirements bankers the banks no longer need or want.