Cabbages and Kings

Never let it be said that we – as a proud and noble country – have never looked askance at those who would hold a courgette aloft in the presence of a minor member of the royal family in a manner unfitting for the occasion.

Sometimes, of course, minor royalty can be acknowledged by use of the proffered broccoli, as protocol often demands.

However, it should always be remembered that the 21-courgette salute is for the Queen or King themselves, or their immediate heirs and successors, The current monarch’s consort however, should only be acknowledged by a 12-carrot Salute by members of the Household Cavalry, and even then only on formal occasions when the Monarch is not present.

It is very important to remember – as well – that the only crime still punishable by the death penalty on the English statute books is Pointing a Cucumber at the Royal Personage. However, carrying a lettuce in the presence of the heir to the throne still carries a 25-year sentence.

As for cabbages and kings, the less said about that the better, especially in a forum such as this which may be witnessed by those of a nervous disposition.

Still, though, the matter of what the young Queen Victoria got up to with that marrow back in the early days of her marriage is still covered by the Official Secrets Act, despite rumours of an etching of the event doing the rounds of the Houser of Lords at the time.