The Undead and Allied Trades

And breathe….

Or not, if you are a fully-paid up member of the Undead and Allied Trades Association. Since the incorporation into EU employment law of legislation outlawing discrimination against those who are no longer alive. It has become clear that the rate of unemployment amongst the Undead still remains stubbornly higher than the national average for the currently vital. What is more, because the traditional employers of what used to be known as zombies – before that term was outlawed as prejudicial and discriminatory – are mainly public sector employees, with the recent downturn in such jobs due to the almost-noticeable savage cutbacks, even those jobs – such as working for the local council are no longer there for the Undead to fill.

There has – hence this current initiative – been some talk, often as a result of nothing more than unthinking prejudice – that the Undead are not up to certain jobs, often due to a lack of fitness and a – slight – propensity towards losing the occasion body part.

This is why this current scheme to bring daily exercise into the workplace has been introduced by this government, who - quite by accident - discovered a not-too-un-presentable young backbench MP who doesn’t look too bad in a leotard*, to lead the nationwide exercise programme currently shown on the Parliament channel at 9:00 AM every morning. A move that has seen the viewing audience for that channel at that time of the day soar into the tens.

However, such is the propensity for taking assumed offence in this day and age, any suggestion that the Undead are in any way less physically-capable than those still breathing, is now regarded as beyond the pale and – henceforth – why these physical exercises are no longer even suggested to be solely for the benefit of the ex-living community. This is why it is now obligatory for every citizen unit of this country to be up and ready before their viewscre… TVs each morning at the allotted hour, all ready to begin their physical exercises.

 

*At least, she is much better on the eye – and a delicate morning stomach - than - say – a similarly-attired Eric Pickles would be.