In Close Proximity

Even if you are one of the many people of this fair isle who know, understand and appreciate the correct way to place a banana next to a social worker without falling foul of any sexual harassment, diversity or Correct Use Of The Banana legislation, then you may not be aware, no matter how diligent you are, that the EU's latest ruling on similar activities to this has now outlawed eating jam sandwiches in the close proximity to any local council worker, no matter what the date.

This is, of course, in direct contravention of the age-old British tradition of eating jam sandwiches in the close vicinity of a council worker – depending on what part of the country you live in – on Whitsun Monday, Easter Good Friday, Midsummer Day or National All-Praise Tesco Day on the third Friday of June.

This is a tradition which dates back into the mists of time, possibly going back to before there was even such a career option as a council worker, or even sliced bread, maybe even as far back into the mists of time as the birth of Cliff Richard, which archaeologists now place somewhere in the early Cro-Magnon period.

This tradition is recorded as taking place in Victorian workhouses and many of the facilities for the poor and unfortunate that existed before then: such as poor houses and monasteries and other similar places. No-one is entirely sure why this tradition began, although there has – of course – been plenty of speculation, especially about the religious significance of strawberry jam.

Although, of course, like many of these traditions, such as Easter, Christmas, Halloween and so forth, the practice long pre-dates the introduction of Christianity in these islands, as was an existing tradition appropriated by the Christian religionists for their own ends, especially the age-old one involving strawberry jam and the virgins – which was ultimately banned by the Catholic Church in 1267.

However, in Europe from the middle-ages onward the use of strawberry jam in religious ceremonies was almost unheard of, except – of course – for that things the nuns did to one-another in the privacy of their cells which – allegedly -involved some very nasty habits indeed, much to the disgust of the church officials who - no matter how they tried – could not catch any of the nuns involved actually indulging in such acts. However, it was the use of the strawberry jam in such acts of sexual depravity that led to the phrase ‘caught red-handed.’

These acts, though, died out as civil, secular law slowly replaced religious law as the Middle-Ages gave way to the Renaissance and beyond.

Consequently, under the Code Napoleon, use of strawberry jam to cause distress to a government official going about his lawful business was made a crime punishable by the enforced public wearing of a beret by the convicted criminal. Such was the dread of been seen out in public wearing a beret that soon such unwarranted use of strawberry jam throughout most of Europe became rare and virtually unknown.

When the UK joined the Common Market, as it was known then, there was shock and horror expressed throughout the rest of the community when they discovered that the British still continued with what the rest of Europe regarded as a barbaric act, which the other countries insisted that the UK abandon.

However, Margaret Thatcher managed to negotiate an opt-out for the UK, when she in an infamous sound-bite, declared ‘The lady is for eating strawberry jam sandwiches, no matter who she is sitting next to!’

Unfortunately, recent EU treaty changes have now meant that the opt-out is no longer valid and therefore – if the UK wants to remain a member of the EU - it must end the practice of eating jam sandwiches in the close proximity to any local – and/or national government worker by 2015 at the latest or face legal action by the EU up to and including sanctions against British strawberries.