The Penguin Always Eats Omelettes

'Once or twice, or not depending on how heavy it is, but with my knees you'd be lucky to get much change out of a fiver, especially in the early flamingo season.' Soon, everyone will be familiar with the opening scene of The Penguin Always Eats Omelettes, predicted to become the biggest grossing film of all time, at least until something bigger comes along. The film is based on the best-selling Norwegian thriller of the same name. The Penguin Always Eats Omelettes is a violent, blood-soaked multiple murder mystery set in the violent and seedy underbelly of the Norwegian penguin-rental industry.

The film, as no-one in the worldwide film audience is interested in Norway, was reset to the far more glamorous location of exotic downtown Wolverhampton. Here the hero of the film, Larch Larchensonsonson – renamed Stud Dobbinwang for the film's mainly American audience - works in the UK's burgeoning fried breakfast industry as a former celebrity egg poacher down on his luck and working in a backstreet breakfast café.

After many script changes, the film now only seems to resemble the book in its title and the number of young women seemingly desperate to get out of their clothes for some of the most improbable reasons in some of the more unusual locations in cinema history. The film tells the tale of how Dobbinwang accidentally discovers, in the alley behind his kitchen, the brutally-murdered corpse of Wolverhampton's most notorious dealer in bootleg fried bread to the town's cafés.

When several witnesses come forward, all claiming they saw Dobbinwang standing over the body with his spatula in hand; the police immediately accuse him of the murder. Having no choice, but to go on the run to clear his name, Dobbinwang flees Wolverhampton with Trollope Honeythighs, the large-breasted waitress from his café, which starts off a desperate chase, leaving a trail of murder and mayhem that brings chaos to Wolverhampton and its ring road.

Of course, everyone in the city had heard rumours about the corruption in the breakfast provision industry and how the city’s bacon inspectors were demanding protection money from the cafes, in return for turning a blind eye to the egg poaching, but Dobbinwang had no idea just how high up the corruption had spread.

The question is, though, can Dobbinwang and Honeythighs escape the mob, the police and the local government trading standards officers long enough to clear Dobbinwang’s name and yet leave them enough time to have sex in as many of Wolverhampton’s exotic locations as possible before the final showdown between the forces of evil and the man who, as Honeythighs says, ‘seems to have the only honest spatula in town.’

Whatever you do, make sure you do not miss what will be the ‘must-see’ cinema event of the year: The Penguin Always Eats Omelettes!