Post-War Extreme Sports

It is not often appreciated these days that, in the immediate post-war era Splunge Disinfectant was the closest these islands had to a peacetime hero equal to those heroes of the recent war. During the war, of course, the exploits of the men and women of the armed forces had become the mainstay of the media, providing a much-needed morale-boost to those on the home front as well as those actually serving on the front line.

However, it was during the dreary post-war years, as rationing, bomb-damage and other deprivations of the war still made ordinary life difficult, that Splunge Disinfectant and his team of daring back-up engineers and mechanics first attempted to break the world record for opening a tine of corned beef under strict competitive conditions.

Nowadays, we are all familiar with the peculiar characteristics of the corned beef tin and its curious little key and metallic strip combination. In the immediate post-war era, however, the whole concept of using a key to open a tin was still regarded with suspicion by the general public, used to the more traditional tin opener.

Furthermore, back in those early days, opening a tin of corned beef was a very dangerous act, even when taking all the necessary precautions, including a pair of stout gloves and an army-surplus tin helmet. However, to attempt a speed opening of a corned beef tin was considered the height of dangerous folly and many stern editorials in the daily press of the time warned Disinfectant, and his back-up team, against such a foolhardy task, and of the dangerous precedent it would set.

The war-weary British people, though, were desperate for something to bring a little excitement into their drab and dreary existence and Disinfectant’s bravery was glamorous and exciting, especially to the young boys who would save up every spare penny and ration coupon they could get their hands on in an attempt to acquire a tin of corned beef of their own they could use to emulate the antics of their hero.

The newsreels of the time were full of the exploits of Disinfectant and his boffins (as they were called) as they prepared for the first post-war International Corned Beef Tin Opening trials in Switzerland. The British team had developed their own top-secret tin-opening key in the same laboratories where Frank Whittle had developed his jet engine. Consequently, the media of the time, will still condemning Disinfectant for his foolhardiness, were full of praise for this new spirit of enterprise and technological innovation from the nation that had done so much to defeat the Nazi menace.

Boy’s comics too were full of stories about the brave men and their corned beef tins that had done so much to win the war and now seemed poised to win the peace too. It seemed that a new age of heroes and heroics was about to begin.

Unfortunately, though, tragedy struck on Disinfectant’s final pre-competition run, with a training tin, only days before the Swiss final in Innsbruck.

Attempting to get the key around the corner of the tin in record time, Disinfectant didn’t allow the tin to come up to proper operating temperature in the icy cold of a pre-dawn Switzerland. Tragically, Disinfectant’s high-speed corned beef tin key skidded off the training tin and entangled Disinfectant in the razor-sharp metal strip as it unwound from the key, fatally trapping him in its deadly coils.

His boffins rushed to the scene, realising nothing could be done for their heroic companion they gathered up as many of the slices of Disinfectant they could find. Unfortunately, his trade-mark ‘tin-opening cap’ was never found, some believing it was shredded into microscopic pieces by the vicious uncoiling of the metal strip from the tin.

The remains of Splunge Disinfectant were bought back to the UK from Switzerland and interred in a tin, ‘as he would have wanted’ according to the obituary writer in Butcher’s Weekly, then buried in the back of a cupboard at the Royal Society’s London Headquarters.

Although, one of Disinfectant’s ex-boffins later went on to create an attachment for the crude bacon-slicers of the time, that allowed the invention of ‘wafer-thin’ meat slices, refusing to comment when it was later alleged it was Disinfectant’s tragic demise that had inspired his invention.