What a Man has to Do

If this was going to be the story, I didn’t want to be the hero of it… not again. They often quote ‘a man has to do what a man has to do’, but until you are right up against it, you never truly realise what that ‘has to’ really entails.

Usually, I didn’t mind being the hero, or rather the ‘main protagonist’ in his stories, especially the ones where the naked women emerge into the clearing in the woods, dive into a river or go swimming in the sea. I didn’t mind representing those manly virtues and traits at all then.

The comedy, funny stuff, wasn’t too bad either, sometimes I’d end up looking like a bit of a dick, but often too, there I would get the girl. At least a decent cheese sandwich or some toast, if nothing else. The penguins though were a very different matter, and I did everything I could not to appear in anything he wrote where they appeared.

However, when these stories came along where I had to do the heroic stuff, I began to get a bit worried. I mean, I’m no coward, but some of the enemies, the ‘antagonists’ he came up with in some of those pieces, weren’t even human. In fact, several times, I was pretty sure he had no real idea who, or what, I was meant to be facing. I just know that I often came off worse, especially where he forswore a conventional ending and then had me killed off in some form of unexpected ending with a twist, like….

Hang on….

What is that shadow on the ground?

Why is it getting bigger…?

Oh, fuck, there’s a piano falling from out of the sky!

It’s going to land here….

Right on me….

Aaaarrgghh…!