The Holy Spanner of Nhigel

Well, now. It has often been said – well, it has been said, according to the historical record, twice since the infamous Night of the Teaspoons – that someone in search of the famed Holy Spanner of Nhigel will – unless they find it, come to a rather unpleasant end, including vats of boiling oil and some rather dubious choices in knitwear.

Of course, it almost goes without saying that like all other supposed and purported religious tales the stories of Nhigel and his mates have little or nothing to do with the historical record. For, as we all know, religions distort, twist, deny and invent everything around them in order to make the reality fit their conception of how they would like things to be. In this, the Uttabollux religion is no different from any other religion. In fact, Uttabolluxism is itself far more cavalier about matters of historical veracity and fact than all the other religions combined.

For, as number 217 in the famous Utterances of Nhigel has it: ‘Truth, mate, is whatever you can get away with, know what I mean?’

Anyway, the Holy Spanner of Nhigel was – according to legend – the last tool Nhigel took from his toolbox on the night of the Last Kebab, the time when Nhigel was – according to the Uttabollux religion taken up to heaven on the back seat of an angelic mini-cab. Rumour was that Nhigel had taken the spanner from his toolbox in order to explain some rather tortuous theological concept to Barry the Tosser, one of the mates of Nhigel, when he was suddenly called to heaven because the Uttabollux God – The Skhighhibhoss - needed someone to fix his telly, which was on the blink again.

The next day – according to the legends – no-one could find Nhigel or his holy toolbox, even though they looked in several nearby pubs. The only earthly sign of Nhigel was his spanner, left near the unconscious body of Barry the Tosser.

Soon as the Uttabollux religion spread, the Holy Spanner of Nhigel became the most holy Uttabollux relic with pilgrimages made to Barry the Tosser’s house in order to worship the relic.

However, these days there are several Holy Spanners of Nhigel spread around all the strict Uttabollux countries, with – quite often – intense theological debate, often utilising invasions, heavy armour battles and air strikes, over which is the one true Holy Spanner of Nhigel.