A Crucial Battle from the Days of the British Empire

It was, of course, during the first Great Battle of Marzipan that the British army first came under sustained assault by the banjo-wielding nomadic tribes of the Furrytrouser region, back in the heyday of the Victorian Empire of the 1880s. Up until then the fearsome power of the banjo to ‘strike terror into the hearts of men’ as Kipling latter put it, had mostly been confined to the tales of daring and adventure which were common staples of the popular Victorian literature of the time.

After the battle, and the Massacre of the Royal Household Wardrobadiers, by the Furrytrouser tribes, the banjo became almost synonymous with mass slaughter.

Such was the carnage inflicted on the British soldiery on that battlefield, that even the British government machine noticed and plans were made for some sort of anti-banjo weaponry and tactics for use in such wild and lawless frontier areas.

Of course, the British themselves had long used the Highland regiments to deploy the bagpipes against the enemy in such situations, but such was the power of a banjo wielding by experts such as those men of the Furrytrouser hill tribes, that they could down a Highlander before he had even inflated his pipes.

Luckily, however, during the numerous Anglo-French wars of the previous centuries the British had picked up on and developed the French army’s use of the battlefield accordion. The British battlefield accordion, though, had never been previously deployed in the field, with the British High Command feeling that such ultimate weaponry should be kept in reserve in readiness for the next time Britain went to war with the French, which most generals considered to be only a matter of time and/or inclination.

However, such was the outrage in the British press at the way the British army had been massacred by these banjo-wielding tribesmen, that the British government of the day had no choice but to give in to demands that ‘something be done’ and done soon before the Furrytrouser rebellion had the chance to spread to the rest of the Empire. Therefore the Queen’s Royal Accordionists were dispatched to the mountainous regions where the Furrytrouser peoples lived, with instructions to put down the rebellion and either kill or capture as many of the banjo-wielders as possible.

Being as they lived in a remote mountainous region the Furrytrouser people had never experienced the horrifying power of the accordion, especially when wielded by fully trained and disciplined European soldiers, advancing in formation over an open battlefield.

In little under half an hour the entire battlefield was littered with the dead and dying of the Furrytrouser tribe as they beat themselves to death to escape the horrifying wail of the accordions as the British soldiers marched towards them. Later the victorious British rounded up the ringleaders of the rebellion, tied them to stakes in the middle of their villages and played accordions at them until their brains exploded as a warning to anyone else considering rebellion. Despite its seeming barbaric cruelty to those of us of this day and age, this harsh treatment seemed to work as there wasn't another Furrytrouser rebellion in all the subsequent years right until the region was granted independence from the British Empire shortly after World War II.