The announcement of the official beginning to the general election campaign was greeted with cries of anguish and despair throughout the land as people realised we are in for much, much more mind-numbing and soul-destroying political brain-rot being beamed into our homes until our brains explode with the horror and futility of it all.
[A candidate out on the campaign trail]Police warned that members of the public when outside the relative safety of their own homes should be vigilant and not make the mistake of approaching any of the hordes of politicians lurching through the streets screaming ‘Votes! Votes!’
Mental safety campaigners stressed that people should already be beginning to scan the TV schedules in search of any hidden Party political broadcasts and making sure that if the lack of an off switch made watching such programmes unavoidable they should devise some sort of coping strategy and have the numbers of the emergency services and the Samaritans always near at hand.
Other health and safety organisations stressed that there are several simple ways of avoiding any dangerous prolonged exposure to politics, even during the highly hazardous days of a General Election campaign.
A leaflet issued to worried householders stresses that they should, as mentioned above, always take the precaution of checking their TV schedules for any warning of impending party political broadcasts. However, it also stress that people ought to take the sensible precaution of avoiding any news or current affairs programmes as they are more than likely to be completely taken over by the deadly General Election virus during its most virulent phase.
The leaflet also warns that people should also only handle any leaflets pushed through their doors with gloves until they are sure that it constrains no trace of any political party or message, otherwise the contaminated leaflet should be instantly placed in the recycling box immediately before any member of the household is needlessly exposed to it.
Police have also stressed the danger of opening the door to any stranger carrying leaflets or wearing one of the tell-tale rosettes that warn the public that the wearer has been infected with the deadliest form of the politics virus.
As one woman, panic buying tinned items in her local supermarket said:
I’m worried in case I see one of them in the street and it tries to kiss my baby. I’ve heard that politics is highly contagious and one kiss is enough to turn you into a politician.A clearly upset young man out in the street was also interviewed by our reporter: ‘I’ve heard they capture you, eat your brains and that turns you into one of them and you ending up joining a… a… a political party.’ He said, breaking down in tears and falling to a crumpled sobbing heap on the floor. ‘I’m too young to be a politician!’ he wailed, curling up into a foetal ball and sucking his thumb between sobs.
‘Just give them all the duck houses they want, and then – maybe – they’ll leave us alone!’ screamed one potential voter as he ran for some nearby woods chased by a gaggle of leaflet-carrying canvassers.
However, the general election campaign should be over in a matter of weeks, and the country should eventually return to what most of us have come to grudgingly accept as normal. However, as the BBC’s political correspondent warned:
On no account should anyone be tempted to vote for any of the buggers, because it will not - as old wives tale has it ‘shut them up and make them leave us alone’. It just means that the deadly political virus that causes these politicians and these outbreaks of elections will lie dormant for the next four to five years before breaking out again, which means we all have to go though this whole trauma yet again in a few year’s time. Oh, the horror! The horror!