The Pundit Of Doom

There are several reasons why Pedantry Filesystem became one of the UK’s leading gits. Possibly it was his deep interest in the classification of knees, his fascination with the doings of politicians, or even his unrivalled collection of tea flasks. However, it was his unusual greasiness that tends to stick in people’s minds. He was often compared – unfavourably – with some kind of unpleasant suppository usually inflicted on people for medically-unpleasant reasons, rather than for any worthwhile or helpful motive.
Of course, being such an unpleasant person, but with the right connections, meant that he somehow managed to worm his greasy way into the media where – for reasons known only to programme producers – mainly, it was thought, through blackmail – Filesystem became a regular on the ubiquitous chat shows that infest the TV schedules, and also on those sorts of panel shows that the radio and TV love to inflict on their long-suffering audiences where members of the panel compete with each other to be as oleaginously patronising as they can towards that audience. An audience – it must be remembered – that was not a part of the metropolitan media elite and therefore rather primitive, ugly and unfashionable.
Therefore, being a greasy little toad with an overwhelming sense of his own intellectual superiority (a delusion he was never to lose), Filesystem seemed to always be on one or other of these programmes each week, often to the disgust of the audience and bemusement of his fellow panellists, who found that Filesystem’s outspoken and vociferous ignorance of almost every topic brought before the panel meant that he dominated each show, with the audience going away promising that they would never again watch a show in which Filesystem featured.
Obviously this made the programme-makers themselves almost orgasmic with excitement, feeling that they had found someone ‘controversial’ who would guarantee that their programme would be talked about as ‘daring, edgy, innovative and willing to take risks’ whenever media executives gathered to give each other elaborate lunches on expenses; which, in turn, meant that those same TV executives would make sure that the programme won all the necessary awards it needed in order to be re-commissioned.
Unfortunately, however, Pedantry Filesystem thought that the increasing number of invites he received to appear on such programmes meant that somehow the viewing public had taken him to their hearts and now regarded him as a national treasure. Consequently, he then began to receive more and more invitations to appear on more and more programmes, until – in despair and desperation – a gang of feral chat show hosts cornered him in one of the BBC’s green rooms and beat him to death with the gnawed-off leg of an early-evening Gardening programme presenter.
Funnily enough, Pedantry Filesystem does not seem to have been missed by anyone at all.