Queue Theory

There was a time, but then there would be. For if there was no time there would have been nowhere for the was to happen and we'd all be standing around feeling foolish, wishing we were waiting for something, but without the time element waiting does become somewhat problematical.

As Professor Eigenvector Electronvolt, emeritus professor of Queueing and Waiting theory of the Tipton Institute of Technology (TIT) recently stated, 'a queue needs both time and space to be a queue, without it everyone there is just dicking around.'

This ground-breaking theoretical breakthrough has galvanised the entire field* of queueing, both at a theoretical and practical level. Recent experiments at the Large Queue Collider on the Tipton-Wednesbury border have concentrated mainly on what happens at two points. First, where the ends of the queue meet the target – such as a Post Office Counter or airline check-in desk, where the queue particles meet and unmoveable object. Secondly, at the other end where the queue interacts with the normal day-to-day world. The rear of the queue, where it meets the ordinary world, has been well-understood since Newtonian times and Newton's Laws of the Queue still hold strong, especially his Third Law which – of course – deals with the mathematical consequences of queue-podging.

However, recent work has mainly concentrated on the other end of the queue, mostly at a theoretical level as busy physicists don't have time to spend in queues, except when signing in to top-flight conference venues in exotic locations. Consequently, a lot of work in this area has been undertaken by postgraduate researchers, who – of course – have little else to do other than stand around waiting for someone to notice them.

Therefore, researchers in this area hope that in the next few years they will be able to confirm the existence of the so-far, only theoretical 'Next Please,' particle. Theory suggests such a particle should exist but has been so rarely encountered down at the front of the queue, leading some queue physicists to doubt it exists.

 

*Obviously queuing in a filed has its own specialised theoretical and practical sub-divisions, mainly concerned with the toileting arrangements at music festivals (wellies advised).

 

[Books by David Hadley are available here (UK) or here (US).]