The Opening Rounds

 

Although, it isn’t all that often she gets her hands on one. At least, not one that she finds meets her rather exacting standards. After all, she is a bit fussy about that sort of thing and only the ones that match her requirements will go through to the next round.

After all, these are not matters rushed into willy-nilly… as it were. She does have certain standards she would like to keep up as long as flesh is willing and so forth. She does, of course, as we all do, live in a neighbourhood where certain standards are expected and are adhered to, as much as is possible, anyway.

So, there she was with the measuring tape and the weighing scales, standing out in the front garden, with all the contestants forming an orderly queue back down the street. Many of whom had taken the day off work just to attend this initial selection round. After all, word does get around and that word – as far as she is concerned - is very good indeed. Especially that thing she does with the… er…. Well, obviously, if you live within a twenty-five mile radius of her house you’ll know all about that and the rather notorious court case that followed. The council still haven’t managed to fill in the pothole, even now, all these years afterwards. They claim - with some justification, admittedly - that it is now something of a tourist attraction, bringing much-needed revenue to the area.

There is some talk of raising a statue to her in the near vicinity. Although, there is much debate on precisely how a statue commemorating her achievements can be constructed without falling foul of the obscenity laws and several local ordnances concerned with maintaining a certain amount of decorum in the locality. There is also fear such a statue could also frighten the horses as well as those of a nervous disposition.

Anyway, the results of this initial first round should be out once she has tested all the applicants and the ambulances have carried the disqualified contestants away for much needed rest and recuperation.

So, we’ll be back here next week to hear the local major and – possibly – a major A-list celebrity read out the names of those qualifying for the next round.

 

[Books by David Hadley are available here (UK) or here (US)]