Avoiding the Twat

Twang Spludgetrimmer is – of course – now world-famous for being very slightly faster at running about a bit over a comparable distance than anyone else in the world.

Since Avoiding the Twat became an Olympic sport back in 1996, it has grown in popularity both at an amateur and professional level, to the point where it is now regarded as one of the most important Olympic sports. However, as the Olympics mainly consists of sports no-one is really that interested in, otherwise they would have tournaments of their own, then this poses a problem for superstars in their field like Twang Spludgetrimmer.

Ever since Twang Spludgetrimmer began avoiding people who got on her tits back in her schooldays, she was regarded as potential Avoiding the Twat star material. It was her PE teacher who first recognised Spludgetrimmer’s potential when she found that Twang had an uncanny knack of always being somewhere else – often in only a few seconds - whenever PE was on her timetable. In fact, her PE teacher never saw Spludgetrimmer at all, except for a few seconds at the end of the period, whenever she was meant to be doing PE.

As her PE teacher, Sinew Hairybush, said later: ‘It wasn’t until I realised I’d never seen Twang out on the playing field, that I realised I must be a massive twat – something I’d always discounted, despite the graffiti in the changing rooms – and that Twang was a genius at avoiding me.’

Consequently, despite never turning up for the training sessions, Twang Spludgetrimmer was made captain of the school Avoiding the Twat team, and then went on to go solo at county, then national level, despite none of the selectors having ever met her for more than a cursory few seconds when they were already late for another appointment.

Not only was Spludgetrimmer a natural expert on the Avoiding the Twat pitch, she was also adept at it off the pitch too. For example, there is no record of her ever giving an interview with any pre- or post-match sports commentators or media sports correspondents since she began representing her country, nor did she ever turn up for her MBE award ceremony, or attend any London Olympics 2012 press conferences with Sebastian Coe or either of the London mayors.

Everyone with an interest in the sport of Avoiding the Twat, however, hopes that if Spludgetrimmer is amongst the Avoiding the Twat medal winners at London 2012 she will actually appear on the podium to receive her no-doubt well-deserved medal.